infinite_dwarf

Nov 24, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The Ventings Of A Cantankerous Man... (fiction)

You! Young whippersnapper!
Hear me.
I'm looking forward in about fifteen years
to investing stock in Beltone
from when you all go deaf
because of the insane decibals
you insist on playing your music at!

You! Young'un!
Why don't you just walk around
in those pretty red and black
boxers, since we can see all of them anyway?
Or put some Pledge on the ends of your
trousers, and dust my floor - make yourself useful.

You! Juvenile!
Unless you want me to hook a tow hitch
to your nose/eyebrow/lip
please get the hoop out of it.
And I can't wait until you're old
so my kids can play jumprope
with that insane gauge you pierced your ear with.

And above all - get off my lawn!

— infinite_dwarf, Nov 24, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: North Carolina, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: E.A. Poe, Lewis Carroll, Charles Bukowski, Michael McClure, Lawrence Ferlenghetti.

Critiques

deelilah

17 years 6 months ago

Hi there Dwarf,

This one made me laugh out loud. What a great idea, we could hire these people with the long pants to do the floors--but if we hired them it would be work and then what?? Yours, Dee

infinite_dwarf

17 years 6 months ago

Thanks, Dee!!

Not too shabby an idea, eh? Now I only wish I had hardwood floors.... maybe I can hook up a little suction device, and they can vacuum the carpets instead?? LOL!!!! ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- - "If the S.W.A.T team breaks down your door, do they have to replace it later?" - "If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?"

weirdelf

17 years 6 months ago

OMG! Jess, I am

OMG! Jess, I am devastated! I agree with most of it too! BRB, going out to get some hair dye, a hearing aid, a top 40 list and... aw fuck it. Let them have it. cheers, Jess

infinite_dwarf

17 years 6 months ago

Jess

Glad you liked it, Jess. I'm gonna be a great old biddy in 50 years.... LOL!!! ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- - "If the S.W.A.T team breaks down your door, do they have to replace it later?" - "If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?"

Kailashana

17 years 6 months ago

Ha! You are a demented

Ha! You are a demented young woman! roflmarseo... i bet u & your intended are never bored... Hug. ~A "Speech is blasphemy. Silence a lie. Above speech and silence is a way out." I-tuan.

infinite_dwarf

17 years 6 months ago

demented?

I'm sure most old farts will agree with my sentiments. And no, it's a rare occasion when Jon and I are truly bored - he's more nuts than I am. :~) ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- - "If the S.W.A.T team breaks down your door, do they have to replace it later?" - "If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?"

prayersbyPatty

17 years 6 months ago

Very nice Elf

I loved this one, espically the one about the tow truck, hooked up to the nose ring. Owwwww. Very funny........ Patty

infinite_dwarf

17 years 6 months ago

wrong Jess

But thanks anyways! Too right - I could never understand why some people love all these hoops and rings all over. *shakes head* ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- - "If the S.W.A.T team breaks down your door, do they have to replace it later?" - "If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?"

Rett

17 years 6 months ago

Jess, you forgot something

After they dust your floor, turn on the eltro-magnet and they'll be dragged up out of the way until the floor needs dusting again. *LOL* Loved it. I am the cantankerous old coot! Respectfully, Rett: "Did you ever wonder if the politicians what want to ban guns went hunting with Dick Cheney?" Rett: 2008

Arrow

17 years 6 months ago

:)

Really enjoyed these lines: Or put some Pledge on the ends of your trousers, and dust my floor - make yourself useful. For me these lines are a little awkward (Is he not going to invest for 15 years?): I’m looking forward in about fifteen years to investing stock in Beltone (maybe: to Beltone stock dividends) from when you all go deaf because of the insane decibals you insist on playing your music at! I didn't think this was stupid. It was light and funny.