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F
Fuss22
Feb 25, 2008 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

No Title

I smile each time
I think of you through the day  
Take my heart with you
When you are away
Withdrawn from surroundings
Impatient I wait
Dreaming of your touch
Absent my state
Repeating your words
Regularly in my head
"I believe your my one
My other half", you said
Brilliant desire
Has struck my soul
Love has set in
And warmed what was cold
Rid of our sorrows
And pack up our tears
Never alone
Persist without fear
Its OK to let go now
I will set you free
Right here to catch you
You can trust I will be
Never looking back
Together we are strong
Always kept hope
That you'd come along.

— Fuss22, Feb 25, 2008
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Critiques

RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 5 months ago

No title

First I would give this piece a title. There are some great ideas from within the piece itself. This is pretty rough. When you write for others to read, be sure to carefully edit. Check your spelling and grammar. Then be sure that your internal logic remains consistent throughout the piece. Don't lose your reader by being too vague or leaving lines of incomplete thoughts. I'd give this one a re-write and post it again. Don't worry, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to editing my own work, so I know how hard it can be. This piece deserves all you can give it. ~ Ronda
F

Fuss22

18 years 4 months ago

If I had A title, I woulda posted it.

I'm sorry, I didn't get the memo that this site was for people to improve their work. I just post my stuff mainly for my baby to read. I appreciate you taking the time to tell me that my writing is rough. What I need you to understand is that I'm not looking to get published or improve anything. I like my shit the way they are, I like NOT using proper grammar and I often spell words wrong on purpose, cause thats how I feel like they shoulda been spelled in the first place. Internal logic doesn't remain consistent? Thats nonsense, pull your head out ur ass, the whole thing makes perfect sense if your smart enough to understand it. I would recommend you go reread your own writings before throwing nonsense around this site. I read some of your poetry and I was not impressed. Talk about losing the reader, I couldn't get through one whole poem. Was very bored and unimpressed reading your work. Not trying to insult you just giving my honest opinion. Was expecting something decent considering you have such a strong opinion on others work and how they should improve.
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 4 months ago

Why did you click

"I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back"? You sound like a petulant child. Jess
F

Fuss22

18 years 4 months ago

Who the fuck are you? I

Who the fuck are you? I wanted the raw truth, from my girl who I wrote it for! Like I stated earlier, I was not aware there were a bunch of fuckin weirdos without shit better to do with their time than go to neopoet.com and read and critique other peoples poetry.
R

RandomThoughts

18 years 4 months ago

Hahahahahaha oh snap

It's cool Brian. Jess is something else we knocked horns when I first joined and he knows that he is out there. lol He's pretty decent now even tho the mofo hasn't kept up with my new writings. Jess step back no more BS but yeah there are some ppl in here that need to keep their tongues tied cause no one wants their BS opinions. Jess chill out bro cause the arguement wasn't about you or had anything to do with with you so step back and let it be.
R

RandomThoughts

18 years 4 months ago

UnderstandComprehendAppreciate

Conscious I lay every night and day thinking of you. I shut my eyes and all I picture is you. I plunge into slumber now you’re in my thoughts. You’re permanently in my mentality. At times I wish to disregard you. But I would be confused without you. Despite the vastness of earth between us I feel your right next to me. I can’t imagine anything besides you and me. I softened inside I feel like jell-O. My Heart is SpinningTwirlingPounding faster than ever with just a whisper from your lips. My heart is running free. Opening my eyes to a life which I’ve never understood. For the first time I’m petrified but holding sturdy. Parting from my past. I lose track of time with you. I have found you in a sea of lost souls. Found my love no more searching required. WTH? OK I GOT IT AND LOVED AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!

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