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T
Taurus1970
Feb 07, 2008 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

The Dark Side of Humanity

Needs and greeds,
wants and must-haves,
lies and backstabbing,
all overflow like a fountain of fouled fluid.

All of us
stepping on and over each other
like a frenzied stampede,
to gain an inch,
move ahead,
claim the prize.

Like packs of hungry, roaming wolves,
we snarl and hunt,
pretending to toil together,
yet ready to lunge for the carotid
of the first renegade
who dares to claim the first success.

Why...?

— Taurus1970, Feb 07, 2008
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Critiques

themoonman

themoonman

18 years 5 months ago

Hi taurus...

You used some great images here..and the title fits perfectly.
W

waterdragon

18 years 5 months ago

Love the alliteration...

in "overflow like a fountain of fouled fluid;" You have painted a vivid picture of humanity at its least human, with good use of similes. One comment, if that's OK? I think if you put spaces between the end of one sentence and the beginning of the next, it would be visually more effective -- "All of us" "Like packs of hungry, roaming wolves," "Why…?" What do you think? Reverend Bec Hudson Shine Your Light It's the ONLY Way to Get Rid of the Darkness!
T

Taurus1970

18 years 4 months ago

Thanks for the suggestion!

Reverend Bec, Thanks for the feedback! What's funny is that you are totally correct, and oddly enough, when I'd handwritten it, there were spaces in exactly the places you'd recommended. (I prefer the white space between sentences or ideas, to give the reader mental and physical space to 'pause' before the next thought.) WordPad was giving me a rough time when I laid out this poem, so I gave up and posted it with no spaces. I went in today to edit it, and was able to add the spaces. Thanks for catching this; and for thinking the same way I do!! "If I had a prayer, it would be this: God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation..." - Byron Katie
EA

eric ashford

18 years 4 months ago

It is far too easy to just

It is far too easy to just blurt out a list of things we believe to be true without examining the things we experience as our truth. Poets demonstrate their apptitude to see the world in a unique way when they stop reeling off one silly over-exaggeration after another just for effect. Any person with some insight will quikly dismiss such a work as this as shallow and poorly thought out. All the best eric

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