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A
amilu
Dec 29, 2007 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

Missing YOU

I lay in bed thinking…. Shutting my eyes, to force myself to sleep Trying to escape from the memories   Distracting myself from recalling Feels like I am almost watching On a wide screen, us two talking   Each thought, like wind Drifts me away from the reality Am I Imagining, or are you next to me?   Heart pumping faster  In order to escape   Becoming embedded in quicksand   Never have I felt so despair, As if I am murky water trapped inside a dam Think I can not straight   I hear thunder and then heavy rain  The dam overfills, water finally Finds a way to escape   I wonder if you still remember me If yes, then Do you also miss me?   Falling asleep praying to God That next morning will have a better dawn And each day I will feel a little more strong!
— amilu, Dec 29, 2007
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Critiques

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purplemoondoll

18 years 7 months ago

If this is the first time

you have written anything then I would encourage you to keep going. I really enjoyed reading this. You have used some good images to describe your emotions. I like these lines:- My heart pumping faster Trying to run away from the pain Its a great way to express the need to stop the hurt felt by lost love. I look forward to seeing more of your writing. Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
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amilu

18 years 7 months ago

thanks!

I would like to thank you for taking time out to read my work...i apreciate your comments...i really do want to take up the challege of producing quality poems...so any advice on how to improve will be great!
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purplemoondoll

18 years 7 months ago

There are

some excellent poets here. So my advice is to read. comment and write as much as you can. I only returned to writing this year and have learned so much by being part of this site and am still learning. I look forward to seeing more. You show some real potential! best wishes Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Mark

Mark

18 years 7 months ago

Amilu this is a great expression

of the loss of love and the longing for it to return. I'm obviously a guy and guys go through this too as I have, albeit quite some years ago. The lying in bed being alone the thinking the crazyness and the tears you have it all here. I do have a suggestion. Think I can not do straight I see you sre trying to avoid punctuation and that's cool so long as there is no confusion. I needed to read that line several times and add the comma after Think (in my mind) Think, I can not do straight ! Think ? I cannot do straight ! some ideas of where I might go with that line of course this presents a bit of a problem as it would be the only punctuation in the poem. Good luck and welcome! Mark
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amilu

18 years 6 months ago

Thanks!

Mark, thank you so much for your comments. I absolutely have no sense about writting poems what so ever. This is the very first time in my life that i have actually wrote anything, and your comments do give me a lot encouragement to create more pieces. i have also joined other forums but i was told that what i wrote is not poem but a dairy entry and most readers don't care or like this kind of stuff so i wanted to ask you if that is true?
Mark

Mark

18 years 6 months ago

Amilu

Call it what you may (or they may) you have some top knotch poets here making commment on your writing. Although good comment here at NeoPoet may be supportive as well I certainly would not take their words lightly (or mine) :) What you wrote is a concentrated awareness of experience and that is poetry in the least for me :) Mark
themoonman

themoonman

18 years 7 months ago

A warm welcome...

Hi Amilu...the content makes for an interesting write...thanks for sharing your first one with us here on the poetry board...You did well...Mark is right...you know how it reads but the reader doesn't, which sometimes is a good thing...thanks again for posting...
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years 6 months ago

Since you said this is your first piece

I am going to be kinder than I would otherwise. Hey, we have all been through this, your poem is about letting go. It's about you two, not anyone else. You do have a skill with words so I look forward to more of your work, but must warn you, if it's all about lost love it will pretty quickly become boring. cheers, Jess
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amilu

18 years 6 months ago

Thanks

for taking time out to read my work i know excatly what u mean when you say that if the topic is the same each time then it will quickly become boring...i am learning so much here on this website! Thanks once again :)
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meic

18 years 6 months ago

It is always very dificult

It is always very dificult to write about a familiar theme [i.e. lost love] in a new way. One thing which might help to develop your own style is to re-read whatever you've written and ask yourself, "did it really feel / seem like that, or am I just writing what I think poets should write?" You might have to do this with every word or phrase and with every image. It's a longish process but in the end you know you've given it your best shot. I think you've made a very creditable start here, so well done and welcome Iechyd da [Good Health - Welsh] Mike [Me: 10 years ago - disco winner!... + Eye candy for the gents!
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amilu

18 years 6 months ago

hey, thanks for yr

hey, thanks for yr comments....i have never read any sort of poetry so my first attempt was excatly how i felt, put into simple words! but now i am trying to spend more time abt reading how to write before i do my next piece! thanks once again :)
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LadyTheresa

56 years 7 months ago

You've gotten

really great KUDOS here girl and advice! These folks are right and all of their opinions and advice are well stated. Don't minimize your efforts and/or your pieces. Poetry comes from your heart and experiences and the lesson you are learning here is that sometimes it's best to start at the beginning and simply WRITE what you are feeling/experiencing. Read, re-read, edit, speak your creation out loud and do't be afraid to put your emotions back into it. Then ask yourself how the piece makes you feel, what images does it conjure and what message (if any) do you wish to convey to your readers? How does it flow? It's an ongoing process and a beautiful one at that. A real learning experience in so many ways. My advice is to reread your piece and see for yourself where you can improve on it to satisfy you-FIRST.Thats one of the beauties of being poet.You will find that the folks here are quite helpful and sincere and I have learned much in the short time that I have been a member. I want to impress on you that I enjoyed this piece VERY MUCH. Way to go girl!! Don't be shy and welcome to this site!! Much Warmth, LadyTheresa
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amilu

18 years 5 months ago

Theresa, Thanks for your

Theresa, Thanks for your comments! i love this poetry forum...i have learned so much already. I would definitely try to improve this poem and hopefuly it'll read and flow better...i totally agree with what you said about re-reading and editing the piece sevral times before it's finalised:)

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