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SUMMER LOST
There was a time when love was free
to make and share it had no price.
It was alright to just "be";
liberation was the only vice
But that was many wars ago
ere innocence of youth was lost.
Like old piles of dirty snow
now mortality figures in the cost.
For love can now result in death
and needles don't deliver life.
Where now the beauty which took my breath
cutting as deep as any scythe?
Is it just I'm getting old
with clear vision of hind sight
that brings back memories on nights, cold
of when it seemed the world was right?
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-07-29 21:20
I like this but....
liberation is a vice? I think that's not exactly what you meant to say. I wonder that if it weren't poetry you might have been trying to say something like-
we were liberated but felt pressured to indulge so it became a vice
The line
Dirtied like old piles of snow
misses the meter, how about
Dirtied like piles of old snow
small change but hear how the scansion improves? Similarly
Where went beauty which once took my breath
Where went beauty that took my breath
of when it seemed the word was right? [did you mean world?]
oh, and yes, you are getting old [grins]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2011-07-29 21:52
hey Jess
I recall when being liberated sexually was considered a vice. Gonna consider that snow change and know some change needed in breath line. No matter how many times I preview, i still get typos like "world" lol. I'm not saying I'm old, but I remember when the Dead Sea wasn't even sick lmao........stan
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-07-29 23:06
I remember when wossaname was Burma
and wossaothername was Persia
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sun, 2011-07-31 07:59
hello Ian
And why did it only bring a Polish dancer to mind lol. Thanks for dropping by..........stan
scribbler
Sun, 2011-07-31 16:03
Hi Rose
I agree with omitting comma, but still think innocence was lost is correct. Maybe you misread it to say innocents? Anyhow, good to have you drop by for a visit.................stan
scribbler
Mon, 2011-08-01 07:54
hi Rose
I'm 99.9% sure that singular was and plural were. Yes there have been some friends leave. But I see some who haven't been here since before I arrived have come back. So maybe others will return in time.....stan
raj
Sun, 2011-07-31 15:07
Stan
did you mean "shimmer Lost"? ..i know you didn't ...just a wee bit of suggestion and no more...
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Sun, 2011-07-31 16:05
Hi raj
The year 1969 has often been referred to as the summer of love here in the U.S. That is the lost summer I refer to here........................stan
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-08-01 07:12
Good revisions.
Yes. I like it a lot.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Mon, 2011-08-01 07:56
hi Jess
Thanks. I go back and tinker with most of my stuff a bit after letting it lie. Fresh eyes can do wonders ................stan