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FACETS
That guy who just flipped you the bird
showing his road rage, the turd
Sundays he's on the deacon's bench
a good man to know when in a pinch
The gray haired man in suit and tie
a banker, hard glint in his eye
each evening hits a different bar
and picks up hookers in his car
See the laborer with crooked teeth
scratch his surface and look beneath
in evenings he carves wood by hand
his figures in museums stand
And that old white haired Wal-Mart greeter
with lively eyes and legs that teeter
saves every penny that she makes
donates to the arts for goodness sakes
Nobody is a single thing
that drifter may know how to sing
a builder old and fat just might
even think that he can write
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Sun, 2011-02-27 16:39
shirl the pearl
We are all more than just a single thing, including being "just" a poet. This was just a quickie I jotted down to remind myself that all here are other things besides poets...........................stan
weirdelf
Sun, 2011-02-27 23:32
You nailed me, you bastard
but did you have to use a nail gun?
Hint- I've never been a deacon, a banker or a walmart greeter.
I love that this doesn't (here comes the word) sentimentally just look for the good in people, it has a good scratch around like a cat in a litter box.
a couple of niggles
See the laborer with crooked teeth
scratch the surface and look beneath [we don't really get a sense of him as we do in the other couplets, perhaps the whole line "scratch the surface and look beneath " could be re-written to give us a better clue.
and
saves every penny she there makes
is the only place to me the rhyme doesn't run contentedly, because of the awkward word inversion she there makes
Dig it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sun, 2011-02-27 23:43
hi Jess
The type bird you refer to is spelled "bustard"...........lol. I intentionally left the laborer undescribed to emphasize the way most would view him as "just another laborer". I agree the greeter line needs work and will try to figure out a better way to say what I mean. Hope all is well with you....................scribbler
weirdelf
Mon, 2011-02-28 18:07
simple fix
big improvement
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Mon, 2011-02-28 18:18
thanks
too much writing late at night lol..................scribbler
scribbler
Tue, 2011-03-01 11:58
Rosi
I guess a lot can be said for some quickies.............hmmmm............that could well be taken 2 ways lol. Thanks for the visit and kind comment............stan
KINGZOMBIE
Tue, 2011-03-01 13:25
Lmao !!!!!
Sorry but that comment above just cracked me up, lol.What a great write, I like how simple and witty this was.It has great humor and a timeless moral. Excellent post, thanks for sharing.
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"For what is it to die, But to stand in the sun and melt into the wind?"
scribbler
Tue, 2011-03-01 16:39
king
no need apologize for having fun. Glad you stopped by and liked this...............scribbler