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Windy Day at the Lake (imagery workshop)
windy day at Cooper's lake
a wind storm takes shape
dark clouds spin tornadoes
across clear blue water
a picture on my cellphone
running for the basement door
my dress tail caught a draft
I parachuted safe inside
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Billy Collins, Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, Whitman, Jess Tapper
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Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2012-03-15 10:05
Although you...
didn't label your work as being Kinetic, I can see that is what it is. I can just see you with your dress puffed full of air, slowly drifting down to safety. Nice job! ~ Gee
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Barbara Writes
Thu, 2012-03-15 10:13
rhanks
I labeled it kenetic but took it out to see if kenetics was clearly seen.
These senses terms are knew to me great workshop
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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author commentDebra Bryant
Thu, 2012-03-15 10:36
Great work!
Wouldn't change a thing. Good imagery.
Deb
Barbara Writes
Thu, 2012-03-15 10:45
thanks Deb
Glad you like the imagery
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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author commentscribbler
Thu, 2012-03-15 19:52
Hi Barb
There's a bit of visual here also but it doesn't detract from the poem. Staying with only one type is not as easy as it first appears is it? lol..........stan
Barbara Writes
Thu, 2012-03-15 21:32
yes i agree
Just kenetic is not so easy just as you said.
I just figure a little visual with lots of motion
Would still work
glad it works .
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2012-03-15 20:53
A very successful entry.
Like Stan mentioned, I'm betting you could have done this without the visuals, but you nailed kinetics. wesley
W. H. Snow
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Barbara Writes
Thu, 2012-03-15 21:39
yes i could have but
Why torture my brain a few more days lol. Just that it is truly hard to stick to just one senses without some of the other senses being there.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentwesley snow
Fri, 2012-03-16 17:34
Torture.
Yes. That's the word. What sense is that? wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Barbara Writes
Fri, 2012-03-16 21:10
lol
:@)
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentBarbara Writes
Thu, 2012-03-15 23:20
rewrite
Not sure which ill choose, but is meditating to see which I will rewrite. Hopefully just one sense more closely this time
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
author commentCandlewitch
Sun, 2012-03-18 13:20
Dear Barbara.
Great jpb on kenetics! I could NOT have done as well. Loved this:
a picture on my cellphone
running for the basement door
my dress tail caught a draft
I parachuted safe inside
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2012-03-18 20:50
thanks Cat
Glad you like it
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
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