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It's A Different Kind Of Hurricane (imagery in poetry)

Submitted by emogothgirl on Wed, 2012-03-14 21:07

Your skin slight colored from cold
Every now and then a warm breeze blows a bright leaf
That lingered against a darkening sky a little too long
But either way you hardly notice;
The startling soft touch of rain is on your neck
And the sky is the churning mad sea above
The trees lay themselves bare and dance for you
They have nothing to lose, stripped of their green.
The storm you had not seen is approaching
Whipping up creek water in the dark blue valley.
The storm you never even thought of before.
The road comes up to meet you
As it childishly throws dirt in your eyes
The clouds are angry with their tranquil grey
Shouldn’t it be obvious; everything they feel?
Well it’s not, I think.
Because finally I realized as the lightning flashes its greeting
You are my hurricane.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
my best shot on visual imagery for the workshop.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
IMAGERY IN POETRY (for everyone)

Comments

Starlight

Wed, 2012-03-14 21:56

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is that word that poets always seem to use... and i use it too! i don't know what it is about that word. :) but this is flawless, simply smashing.

Barbara Writes

Wed, 2012-03-14 22:07

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Motion has it I believe

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scribbler

Wed, 2012-03-14 22:32

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There Is a lot of visual but there is also a bunch of other types imagery here including tactile and kinetic. Hard to stay with only one isn't it? lol. Especially with a poem of much length. In your edit (after more comments accrue) you might consider a shorter version if you decide to stay with just one imagery...........stan PS I know it's hard because My poem gave me fits lol

Geezer

Thu, 2012-03-15 10:13

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thing. I noticed that you jumped from the context of the present to the past with the line:

"That lingered against a darkening sky a little too long." I liked the concept of simile to a relationship. ~ Gee

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Debra Bryant

Thu, 2012-03-15 10:42

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Favorite lines...
"And the sky is the churning mad sea above"
and
"The road comes up to meet you
As it childishly throws dirt in your eyes"
and also
"The clouds are angry with their tranquil grey
Shouldn’t it be obvious; everything they feel?
Well it’s not, I think.
Because finally I realized as the lightning flashes its greeting"
Very well done.
Deb

emogothgirl

Thu, 2012-03-15 18:52

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thanks for the comments and critique guys, i appreciate it. on a rewrite i think it will definitely be shorter, and i'll try in vain to stick to visual. oh this isn't easy stan!
thanks,
mag

author comment

scribbler

Thu, 2012-03-15 19:32

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Few things worth doing Are easy but when we get done I hope we will all have learned a thing or three and had a good time doing it...........stan

scribbler

Fri, 2012-03-16 21:15

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Remember that in the rewrite you don't have to stick to just one type imagery if you don't want to.......stan

wesley snow

Thu, 2012-03-15 21:00

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... this is a bitch. Stan said it all for me. I saw an equal amount of other senses vying with the visual. I like limiting myself through the classic forms I mess with, but this is ridiculous. On the other hand, I AM learning a great deal and all of my poetry from now on will be seen through slightly different eyes.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Candlewitch

Sun, 2012-03-18 13:51

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I see all types of imagery in this vivid write. It sure isn't easy. I liked the lines that Sebra pointed out.

always, Cat

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Nordic cloud

Wed, 2012-03-28 10:27

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Like a falling leaf seeing, not seeing,
as its facets turn about,
the distant hurricane creeping up
from the dark blue of the valley,
you make us almost feel the structure of the trees,
reeds and water from the creek
splashing their images at us,
like a painter her paint,
and then realise it is hurricane.

I like this journey in the elements,
and feel buffeted about in its metaphors,
the sea of the sky tossing me about.

"The startling soft touch of rain is on your neck"
This I experienced.
I like this one, many images.

Nordic cloud.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

emogothgirl

Wed, 2012-03-28 20:28

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thanks so much! this one was toughie.
thanks,
mag

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