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Dreams of Desire...

Submitted by Geezer on Fri, 2024-01-19 19:13

Oh Voyager, let me come with you
and put my feet on mystic trails
Let me walk in your waking dreams
ride on ships with billowing sails

The winds of fortune have guided me
I've been here and there and then
Keep venturing on, brave companion
we will travel to there, once again

Voyage on to the new horizon
always searching for hotter fires
Imagination doesn't keep time
there's no locks on our sweet desires

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
Voyager Image Prompt Contest
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-01-20 01:13

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively utilizes the theme of journey and exploration, both in a literal and metaphorical sense. The use of imagery, such as "mystic trails," "ships with billowing sails," and "far horizon," is vivid and engaging, successfully evoking the sense of adventure and longing inherent in the concept of voyaging.

The rhythm and rhyme scheme are generally consistent, which contributes to the overall flow of the poem. However, the rhythm slightly falters in the line "I've been here and there and then," which could be reworked for better meter.

The metaphorical layer of the poem, which seems to equate the physical journey with an internal, emotional one, is intriguing. The lines "Imagination doesn't keep time / There's no locks on our sweet desires" suggest a freedom and boundlessness in the realm of dreams and desires, which is an appealing concept.

However, the poem could benefit from a deeper exploration of this metaphor. The last line, "Always searching for hotter fires," introduces a new element to the poem that could be further developed. What does this "hotter fire" represent? More passion? Greater challenges? The poem could provide a bit more context or elaboration on this point.

Overall, this poem is a compelling exploration of the theme of journey and desire. With some minor adjustments and further development of its metaphorical layer, it could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Sat, 2024-01-20 07:21

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I like the fact that the poem ends with the imagination filling in the blanks. I know my mind was still going with the stimulation you have provided. I like seeing this side of you! Good luck on the contest!

* Hugs, Cat

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Lavender

Sun, 2024-01-21 17:37

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Hi, Geezer,
Full of fascination, like a mystical journey should be! I might be tempted to switch the final stanza a bit to pick up where the previous stanza left:

Voyage on to the far horizon,
always searching for hotter fires.
Imagination doesn't keep time,
there are no locks on our sweet desires.

Just a thought!
Thank you!
L

Geezer

Sun, 2024-01-21 20:42

Geezer's picture
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ideas, thank you, I am going to use them. ~ Geez.
.

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