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avarice

Submitted by CCfire on Wed, 2011-04-13 23:33

I

you have no claim on wombs
just as rain cannot hold
onto clouds

things change
they drop
unlike
Autumn's failings

and i give birth
to a man's live ammunition
nurture the beast

II

the images i detest
i love again
this segregated DNA
i twisted from sperm to egg

unlike neruda

i share falsehood of love
to claim part of you
hold you at arms length
while
clasping tight your clutch

III

'what is it
that once was
my father?'

i will tell him
'nothing at all'

for i owned the womb that bore him

all a lover's rueful machinations proved:
nothing exists

except a mother's zealous eye

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Eduardo Cruz

Wed, 2011-04-13 23:59

Eduardo Cruz's picture

He must have been A real "Savanah Beach" for even his child to detest him..Is this real or just a Poem. if it's real I hope that your pass it and are living a beautiful life without the Idiot. good for you if you got rid of the dead weight. you fly now girl on your wing of freedom.
As I read this, I became anger and anger. You surely transmitted what you felt on to paper.
Eddie C.

Greed.
" If adversity stands in your way, do like the mighty Bull, charge" Jose De Diego 1600's Puerto Rican Poet

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

CCfire

Thu, 2011-04-14 00:00

CCfire's picture

Just someone I know who strung someone along for the pregnancy and child but with no designs to marry him, it was the worst way to be used and she had what she wanted and he had nothing. It's contemptible but some women..sadly.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

Eduardo Cruz

Thu, 2011-04-14 00:12

Eduardo Cruz's picture

That's a whole other take than what I understood, I guess I saw what I wanted to see, it's just the common practise of men. I don't know any women who have done that so it's a little off kilter to me.
it's a better surprising write for me now, something new.
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

paper umbrella

Thu, 2011-04-14 01:53

1
you have no claim on wombs
just as rain cannot hold
"onto" clouds

"things change;"
they drop
unlike Autumn's failings

"and" i give birth
"to" a man's live ammunition
nurture the beast.

2
i love it again;
this segregated DNA
i twisted from sperm to egg

unlike neruda

i share falsehood of love
to claim a part of you
hold you at arms length
while
clasping tight your clutch.

3
[a child will state
'what is it that once became my father?'

i will tell it
'nothing at all'

for i owned the womb that bore you
and he

for all his rueful machinations proved
nothing exists

except a mother's jealous eyes]

i kinda divide your poem into 3 parts..because that was how i read it..the main thing that stood out to me was the change of tone and style in the last part...i'm not sure if i would include it in this poem..or maybe rephrase it? i changed some line break..added a few punctuations that you may not like ;) just suggestions...feel free to ignore them lol!

CCfire

Thu, 2011-04-14 02:00

CCfire's picture

Vignettes? Actually it could work that way as the poem was written over three days lol...you're too good Lil :P I like some of your changes, this as i said came out like little streams...Hugs

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

CCfire

Thu, 2011-04-14 04:31

CCfire's picture

You know Shirl, I think these things have a way of coming full circle, and I am sure if he can get over it all he will be fine. Thank you for reading (hugs)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

themoonman

Thu, 2011-04-14 07:10

themoonman's picture
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I was reading this and thought, this sounds like a real
man-hater, and she had a "boy" child that she seems
a bit suspicious of. Then, at the end, I'm not sure but it
seemed the child is all she wanted.

I then read the other comments ...

you are good at this, thanks for posting.

Richard

CCfire

Thu, 2011-04-14 21:49

CCfire's picture

Prize manipulator I'd call her Richard, I am glad you got it from the poem first :)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment
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