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Japanese poetry workshop-haiku revisions and edit.

Submitted by BlueDemon77 on Sat, 2012-07-07 16:45

Japanese Poetry workshop: 4 haiku, 2 senryu, 1 tanka

By Ron Blue Demon77

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Haiku 1

Ominous clouds loom
signs of the approaching rain
for the thirsty plants

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Haiku 2

Green skies turbulent
ebon tendril reaches ground
Nature's fury's face

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Haiku 3

leaves shed their green masks
drop emerald camouflage
yellow, orange, red

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Haiku 4

snow flakes drifting thick
form corona on street light
world is shiny clean

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Senryu 1

my street cred shattered
as the computer in front
shot into blue flame

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Senryu 2

unemployment line
waiting in queue in a tie
just one little fire

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Tanka 1

green grass sea swirling
whispers secret languages
life in freedom seen
in air currents and bee flight
untouched by human domain

Ron

Blue Demon 77

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I changed the haiku to reflect the seasons of weather. The rest is the same. Thanks!
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Working With Japanese Poetry

Comments

Barbara Writes

Sat, 2012-07-07 19:28

Barbara Writes's picture
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I didn't do the syllable count. I'm sure you have them correct.Great work in mynopinionb

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

BlueDemon77

Sat, 2012-07-07 22:07

BlueDemon77's picture

Yeah, the syllabic form is correct. I'm glad you liked the content. Thanks much!

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2012-07-07 22:32

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I gather you have worked with these forms before?
I loved haikus 2 and 4, they had that certain frisson. It is so hard to describe, much less offer constructive feedback, it's the X factor, they either got it or they ain't. Certainly 'yellow, orange, red' is a bit prosaic.

Both senryu got it, although I think I might prefer 'shoots' to 'shot', for immediacy.

Tanka exquisite and meaningful.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

BlueDemon77

Sun, 2012-07-08 16:12

BlueDemon77's picture

I considered both main criticisms you offered and can't say I disagree. I actually had shoots at one time but the way I did the Senryu was as a two part story in two different Senryu, and I detected a tense violation in the second Senryu if I used shoots (as it represents present tense yet is clearly in the past, for I am in the unemployment line because of the incident in Senryu one in the second Senryu thus requiring past tense). I know I'm overthinking it and exceeding the requirements of the form, but that was the reason for the change to "shot", although by all means "shoots" is more immediate and dynamic.

As for yellow, orange, red. It was the first thing that occurred to me to describe the "shedding of the emerald camouflage". I certainly could have spent more time and found something more poetic, both in flow and image. You caught me!

I love your method of criticism, it's what I came here for.If you ever feel the inclination to look at some of my posted work I'd love to get your thoughts on form and content. I'm getting some great criticism at present, but then I'm getting way too much "good poem" comments than I'd like. Sure they stroke mya ego for a moment, but I want to be a better writer and I believe that resting on a kind word is the death of that. It's also why I've been doing Terza Rimas, Rondeaus, Monotetras, sonnets. It's for precision. I'm working on Villanelle, Paradelle, and Sestina now. These are the hardest forms I've encountered to date.

Thanks again for the thorough critiques and kind words

Ron

Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

scribbler

Sun, 2012-07-08 08:59

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All read well to me except Haiku #4 snow drops?.....perhaps snow flakes would work better................stan

BlueDemon77

Sun, 2012-07-08 16:18

BlueDemon77's picture

I appreciate the criticis. "Flakes" appeals much more to my eye for imagery than does drops, which is as subtle as a rhinocerous horn up the backside. I think I'm going to change it. Not sure if I can do it for the already posted, since there have been post comments afterward but for my records, it's flakes from now on.

Thanks for the great point. Glad the rest read well to you.

Ron

Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2012-07-09 04:05

weirdelf's picture
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Observing the evolution of a poem through the Neopoet process is very important to most of us, don't worry about the effect on the feedback.

I'll be happy to review your other works soon, a bit tied up right now.

Love your attitude! A real Neopoet.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-07-09 16:46

BlueDemon77's picture

I made the change and it is a clearly better word choice. Thanks much for the kind words. I feel good here. I see many others like yourself that share my passion for poetry. It's a good environment for learning and experimenting.

Ron

Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

author comment
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