I'm sitting alone in my room smoking stale cigarettes and drinking fresh coffee as the title says, but what it doesn't say is what I'm thinking about right now.So I decided to share my thoughts with you all.I like most my age I imagine am thinking of what was that single moment in my life that got me to this particular point.Could it be the loss of a loved one, or maybe the loss of a lover, or even that teacher in grade school that said I would never amount to anything.Maybe it would be all the above, but that is too easy, its a cheat, a cop out.Honestly it doesn't take that much thought, I do know that exact moment that got me to this place, that moment when I completely gave up that lead to nothing but pain and heartache.I was in 7th grade and it seemed like it was me against the world, no one was on my side not even my teachers, yes I had friends and a loving family, I actually had a great childhood but it was in that moment in school that I wrote a poem for a class assignment, we could write about anything and me being me I decided to write something serious that was close to me.I wrote about my mother and my older brother that would never be born.I didn't understand things as I do now and I was angry.I just had learned not to long before that when my mother was a teenager she was raped and got pregnant, as if that wasn't enough she had it aborted.This was the only part that I saw, I only thought of how I could of had an older brother or sister.I was cruel to my mother for a while after I had found out, but back to the poem.This is the topic I picked, I wrote it and thought it was rather good but instead of a passing grade I got a big red E and a trip to the principals office where I was suspended for two weeks.I thought to myself after that, (fuck this shit) I worked my ass off to make it perfect, I put my heart in it, and I couldn't even get a passing grade.That was the moment that I gave up.I started a downward spiral from there, it seems that after that I have known nothing but tragedy, trouble, and pain.If I was a child still I might blame all my problems on that one incident, or one of the many that happened after but that would be wrong.The truth is that I gave up, nobody forced me to.Its just ashame that it took me so long to take personal responsibility for myself.I don't know why I posted this or decided to share such things but what I do know is that I think the damnedest things while I smoke stale cigarettes and fresh coffee.