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The Lonely Hill

I walk upon a lonely hill
Its soft song echoing in my fragile ears
Radiating past yesterday’s sorrows
Its frigid hands grasping mine
Longing for a place to call home
Longing for me to whisper
Back
Into its bestial hair
For my feet soon plummet
And my legs soon follow
Falling deep into
A cascading waterfall of stones
Comforting my broken bones
As the waterfall had once flown
But how that fall has grown
As it sits on an ascending throne
On that hill that is so lone.

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Comments

we try to give critique on all new poems posted, especially by new members but this lovely, haunting piece has sat here for nine months! I do hope you come back to see it has not been forgotten.

The title was sufficient to draw us in, yet left surprises as to the poems depths. The language use and imagery were good without, with one exception, becoming too florid.

A really interesting structure with a slow, gentle introduction building to the dramatic denouement driven home with those final six rhyming lines, almost reminiscent of Coleridge's "Kubla Khan"-
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e’er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover!

A suggestion for line 3
Radiating [beyond] yesterday’s sorrows ['past' feels a little incongruous with 'yesterdays']
and that the jump into anthropomorphism in the line
'Into its bestial hair' is a bit sudden. The effect of the final six lines diminished.

I'm afraid the lines-
'For my feet soon plummet
And my legs soon follow'
Sound a bit silly, I'm reminded of the stretchy Alice in Wonderland with the long neck.

I've done a reading for you so you can hear for yourself, so many poet's never hear their work aloud and all poetry should be!

https://voca.ro/b5RgvkZVYm6

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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