I can see that you've already made some revisions to the poem. I looked through all the changes and can say with certainty that I agree with the changes. They add polish to the poem. They were all good choices on your end. If this poem is about a real short film titled "Before Man" I'd love to know who made it or how to find it. A quick Google search did not prove fruitful for me, and I'm curious about it now. If you can point me in the right direction, I would like to learn more.

I've come to your poem to critique it because it's been left on the Undiscovered list for several months now. I'm glad to be able to give it some attention. There is a lot readers can learn from this poem, especially in regard to meter. The meter and some of the rhymes are not "perfect" from what I can hear when reading the poem aloud, but both are very close.

In my opinion, when we get really close to matching a set meter perfectly or have some near rhymes in a poem of all other perfect rhymes, we tow a line that is easy to cross.

On one side of the line the reader barely notices (or doesn't notice at all) and the poem doesn't suffer. Someone can read the poem aloud or silently with perfect smoothness. It still feels and sounds perfectly natural, because that's how language production often is in normal life: an imperfect but rhythmic meter. On the other side of the line (and I'm not exactly sure what causes us to cross this line) is when, at some point, the imperfections are too perceptible and the writing feels sloppy. It feels like the writer is learning meter and couldn't quite parse it or couldn't find the words to fit the meter without losing the meaning they wanted (these are my personal struggles with trying meter) or didn't/couldn't use a rhyming dictionary to find exact rhymes that fit the meaning they wanted to convey.

I say all this in order to state that I don't know where this poem falls (one side of the line or right on the line). So, if I could make some suggestions, and you're interested in tinkering with this poem, playing with some of these ideas might help you figure out where the poem falls:

See if you can make the two near rhymes in the poem (gate/threat and start/halt) perfect rhymes. I used to often recommend https://www.rhymezone.com/ for an online rhyming dictionary if folks needed one, but the problem with it is that it includes words that aren't real words in the English language (or are only names) or are parts of words, which is not useful. You may have to use completely different synonyms for start/halt to find a pair that rhyme perfectly or that are an even closer near rhyme, linguistically. For example, in my accent begin/end are a closer near rhyme because some of the -d sound in end drops off for me, but the -ar- and -al- sounds in start/halt are exaggerated for me (again, because of my accent).

Alternatively, if you would rather emphasize the the visual appearance of the words on the page, since the written word is the delivery method we get on Neopoet, consider the form of "rhyming" called "eye rhyme" or "sight rhyme" where, due to the wacky ways in which the English language is fully of inconsistencies (and I say wacky because sometimes it's super fun and sometimes it is really frustrating), two words can have the exact same ending and not rhyme.

To work on the meter, the poem should be parsed (to identify what the closest recognizable metric scheme is) and then revise any lines that don't fit. I am terrible at this. Sure, I can count the syllables in the line. Yes, I can both see and hear that some of the lines aren't consistent with the lines that do form a rhythmic pattern, but after that, my ability to confidently parse the lines with any accuracy is absolutely zero. If that is something you're interested in and need help with, there are tons of great folks here at Neopoet who are really good at it, so I'm sure they would step up. If meter is something you want to work on, and you don’t need outside help, just learning resources, I’m happy to provide those.

If you still find after any of those possible revisions that the poem is still missing something, consider looking toward the content instead of the form. Rhyme and meter are much more related to form in my experience. Making a poem fit a certain rhyme and meter scheme does affect the poem’s content at the word level, but at the level of deeper meaning and purpose, any meaning and purpose can be achieved with any form (or with free form).

Critiquing content is something I hope I’m much better qualified to do. Like I mentioned earlier, I am now intrigued by this short film, but the main intrigue occurred because when I looked it up, I couldn’t find it. It made me curious as to whether you are the narrator of the poem and if you had actually seen this film, or if the film is imaginary (and the narrator/characters of the poem are also imaginary).

In a poem that seems to be about a truly epic series of events and the utter devastation that the advent of humankind caused our planet, the word choice and imagery is weak, and I don’t mean to say this as an insult at all. I know you are an experienced poet, Raj, and this isn’t your best work.

The only thing that should ever be referred to as “spic and span” is the household cleaner brand. So why was that the right choice of words to describe the earth before humans? Just because it was an easy one-syllable rhyme with “Man”?

How many other more poignant and rare words are there that mean “spic and span”? Tons? Unsullied, unblemished, immaculate, pristine, impeccable, gleaming, the list goes on. Making any of these suit a rhyme or meter scheme would be an intense challenge. You would have to decide if the vocabulary in the poem (and the emotions and images those stronger words could convey) would be more worth it, or if the rhyme/meter is more important. Either option lends musicality to the poem, you just have to decide which direction you want to go.

I could say the same thing about every line in this poem. They are all simple, single-syllable rhymes (except for warning/warming). Would it be worth it, for you, to make some of them multisyllabic words, to lend some level of complexity to the poem? Could some of those words create a stronger emotional reaction in the poem to help readers truly feel the impact of the film, whether it is real or imaginary? You have a strong subject matter here, so it may just need stronger words to match that level of intensity.

How can you, the poet, put us there in those theater seats? Can you make us really hold our breath? Can you really give us feel the sinking feeling that we get when we know what tragedy awaits when the screen goes dark just before the fatal blow?

I know this is asking a lot of a short poem. It can be hard to pack so much into a poem, and this may not even be a poem you want to dedicate so much effort into. Maybe it was just practice, just something to keep you writing, or something that flowed out quickly in the afterthoughts of a film.

With all that in mind, I’ve given a lengthy critique, but you do not have to reciprocate in substantive revisions if you don’t want to. It is your poem, and your decision. I just like to give a lot when I am able to so that you have plenty of routes of inspiration if you decide to work on the poem. I hope this feedback helps and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I’m teaching now and hit a little bit of a SNAFU experience with my personal life, so I’m mostly away from Neopoet, but I’m happy to talk when I can.

Take care,

Kels

was there somes reason why you could not spell out I was instead of I's ?
Raj Raj my friend this work is so not you I felt as if you were grasping for words for the sake of the rhmne
I've seen far better work than this from you

as though you were writing this in two parts or it was written by two different people. Personally, I would have stopped after the second stanza! You said everything that was said in the whole poem, right there! After the first two stanzas, you lost rhyme at the least three times and the lines kpt getting longer and more ragged. Sometimes, brevity is better! ~ Geezer.
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