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Tanka "Japanese Poetry Workshop"

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Thu, 2012-06-07 19:42

Tanka: # 1
A ghastly screw up
The blue flashing behind me
A dreaded ticket 
Twenty five years clean record
Down the drain one split minute

Tanka: #2
Tell tale smell of death
Secrets, lies, deceit finds light
Troubled sea rises
Pains from past immoral acts
Roll back stone thus uncover

Tanka: # 3
Brain freeze like a rock
Won't allow decisiveness 
Builds stress when I try 
A blinding force guides my thought
When making clear decisions  

Tanka: # 4
In pursuit of life
Daily tasks are challenging
Forgetfulness strong arms me 
Pushing though this mental fog
Fighting memory losses 

Last few words: 
You only need one I got carried away
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Working With Japanese Poetry

Comments

Roscoe Lane

Fri, 2012-06-08 03:44

Roscoe Lane's picture

I can't say i know a lot about Tanka, but i think what you've done hear is great work. Others who know more will no doubt guide you from here, but i believe you've made a great start. Love Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-06-19 10:06

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Tanka: 1 So damn near! The first 2 lines set a scene, the rest becomes humdrum life.

Tanka: 2 Yep, nailed it here.

Tanka: 3 good first line, the rest becomes descriptive rather than expansive

Tanka: 4 just descriptive

Tanka 2 is tanka!

get the idea? We're not just writing prose in syllables, we are carving gems from raw words.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Barbara Writes

Tue, 2012-06-19 13:47

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it seem from your comment that description has no place in Japanes poetry.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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weirdelf

Wed, 2012-06-20 09:39

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I just feel that merely descriptive is not enough, it needs to evoke an emotion, feeling or sense of something larger.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Barbara Writes

Wed, 2012-06-20 14:25

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Im not at all sure what you want, so I think I'll let them stand as is for now. Simply too much thought and work to rewrite to your liking right now.
X0X0

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

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