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Spring Fling

Submitted by Carrie on Mon, 2024-04-15 00:52

You came into the world,
In September, it was Spring!
Unplanned, yet full of life,
A tiny little thing.

Your smile was like the sun,
You lit up a darkened room
Your eyes reflected who you were
You grew up, far too soon.

The love you have, inside of you,
Your heart could be, the flower.
Standing brightly in your garden
Your stems, they give you power.

So here you are in this Spring fling,
For all of us to see.
In full bloom, that small wee thing,
Was really just old me.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Thanks for reading. :)
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Contest: 
Spring Fling
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-04-15 06:52

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Spring Fling" beautifully captures the theme of growth and transformation using the metaphor of spring and blooming flowers. The imagery of a child growing up like a flower in a garden is vivid and evocative. The use of seasonal symbolism to represent stages of life is effective in conveying the passage of time and the beauty of personal development. The rhyme scheme and rhythm flow smoothly, enhancing the overall reading experience. One suggestion for improvement could be to explore more varied and unique language choices to add depth and complexity to the poem. Additionally, consider experimenting with different poetic devices such as metaphors, similes, or personification to further enrich the imagery and evoke emotions in the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Mon, 2024-04-15 11:33

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Hello, Carrie,
A wonderful self-affirmation! I really like the comparison to a flower blossoming and growing, deep roots and all. You may want to recheck the punctuation. There are a few commas that are not necessary, and a couple places that need different punctuation. A couple thoughts / suggestions:

"Your stems, they give you power" to "Your stems give you power."

And maybe change the "Was" in the very final line to "Is" to match the "here you are" in the first line of that stanza.

Thank you for this positive, affirming poem!
L
One more thing - such a joy to hear about spring in September in Australia! Being from the U.S., this was eye-opening and refreshing!

Carrie

Mon, 2024-04-22 01:08

Carrie's picture

Thank you for reading. :)

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2024-04-15 14:43

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the last stanza! It seems like many of our friends think that September is short for Spring in Australia! Nicely done,~ Geez.
.

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Carrie

Mon, 2024-04-22 01:07

Carrie's picture

Thanks mate for reading, appreciate your kind words. :)

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2024-04-22 09:28

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your poem is misplaced in category, this is not free verse. Still love it! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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