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RECLUSE'S DOOR (minor edit)
I built my door of iron and oak
it's thick well made and square.
The latch lifts with a creaky stroke
should I choose to go out there.
It has but a single tiny pane
through which to see the world outside,
to watch the sun or snow or rain
while I stay safely here and hide.
The frame fits tightly all around
barring air when winds blow cold
and admits only muffled sound
should sleet or hail drum loud and bold.
Old hinges are turned brown with rust.
They cry out the few times they are used
to give entrance to those few I trust
when my private world's being abused.
My door is strong, secure and stout
with sturdy lock and thick hinge pin.
It serves well keeping the world out,
equally well keeping me in.
Each morning as I rise from sleep
I check this door within my mind
and through its portal only peep
at the world I've left behind
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Did a tiny edit to get this back on stream and get people thinking about this month's contest about doors. Sneaky ain't I? lol
Editing stage:
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Comments
Rula
Mon, 2012-07-30 01:59
Aren't all our doors like yours , or at least the one I use :)
A theme that really appeals to me and all in all it flows really well (imo) ..With the last stanza in which the moral lies
My door is strong, secure and stout
with sturdy lock and thick hinge pin
it serves well at keeping the world out
equally well keeping me in
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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scribbler
Mon, 2012-07-30 07:28
Hi Rula
I expect some of the doors between our inner and outer selves can be pretty flimsy. Thanks for coming by.........stan
author commentSeren
Tue, 2012-07-31 08:54
Stan this is well thought out
Stan this is well thought out and executed
When I read the title I thought it was about the recluse spider lol
I thoroughly enjoyed the read
This is my fifth try at commenting here its being difficult
Hugs Jc
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
scribbler
Tue, 2012-07-31 09:00
hi Jayne
Hard to believe I actually think sometimes isn't it ? lol. Thanks for the visit.............stan
author commentIan.T
Tue, 2012-07-31 17:55
Stan
A good write here, I remember the time when we could leave our doors unlocked in the Villages and especially in the valley's of Wales.
But as you now need a sturdy door with many locks rings out a change that we could have all done without.
It is hard to find out who lives next door to you now..
What a sad world we have made, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Tue, 2012-07-31 18:06
Hi Ian
Fool that I am, I still leave my doors unlocked. If somebody wants in a lock won't stop them, it'll just cause them to do more damage. Nobody has realized the door in this poem is a mental one. Chalk up another failure to convey secondary meaning lol..........stan
author commentIan.T
Tue, 2012-07-31 18:16
Stan
Just maybe if there were two small windows in the door that looked out Balefully across life's plain would have made a clear picture LOL ..
Still loved it either in the physical or mental plain, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Tue, 2012-07-31 18:18
I
keep forgetting to leave at least a minor clue to lead the reader where I want them to go....Hmmmmm.........I might need to add a stanza somewhere...........stan
author commentIan.T
Tue, 2012-07-31 18:27
Stan
The Door's always open lol
Night, young traveller have a safe journey today,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
BlueDemon77
Mon, 2012-08-06 19:50
The metaphor is clear
Good poem Stan,
It has a lot of power because there is universal truth attached to it. Kind of like Roger Waters' THE WALL, it is clearly that which separates us from external humanity. A fine write, you made it clear with "I build this door within my mind". I don't think you need to add anything.
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
scribbler
Mon, 2012-08-06 21:40
Hi Ron
Thanks for dropping in. The last stanza is an add_on which I posted after it became clear that the door was being taken as litteral. If you try reading it without last stanza you'll see that it probably Was needed. Hence the value of honest feedback. I'm pleased you enjoyed the edited version................stan
author commentscribbler
Tue, 2012-08-07 09:13
Hi Eph
I'll give your ideas some thought. I'm always going back and tinkering with even my oldest stuff so it might be a while until I do an edit. Appreciate the visit and suggestions.............stan
author commentjudyanne
Tue, 2012-08-07 13:58
well, here i am again :)
i like the theme of the write
i like the rhyme
but .... wait for it... the meter is out in quite a few places - sorry - can't help myself
i really feel that the meter needs to be on when writing this kind of poetry, the reader needs to flow with the story
lol - love the text and subtext - and you know - i don't think you needed to add the last verse - i got it without it.... and (imo) the subtext shouldn't be blatant :)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Tue, 2012-08-07 16:34
Hi Judy
I got to thinking that most people might read poetry fairly quickly. And if that was so, there might need to be something to slow them down enough to catch any secondary meaning. Welllll..........I couldn't come up with something to put at or near the front so I grafted something blatant on the end. But as always, I'll be reviewing this over time and might come up with an edit that sends the 2nd level meaning (in better meter ) without being a sledgehammer lol....................stan
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