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The mermaid

Submitted by Jseagull11 on Sun, 2024-05-19 01:31

I saw a dream
it was a girl
who swam across
the sea of love

she was a mermaid
she sang a song
for people to know
and feel welcome

I swam myself
without an effort
I went closer
to hear her song

She kept a baby
inside a trolley
it seemed a mix
of human and fish

She held it in her arms
and sang to it
a happy song
a nice melody

I asked her about the song
She replied with lyrics
"Love is the answer
to every question"

She said: "Love yourself
and others as well
without waiting
for anything in return"

I woke up
and bought flowers
for Mother 's Day
as a surprise.

I left them at home
without telling her
she found out
was deeply moved.

Love is the key
to make things work
in every relationship
to make it last.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to express myself through literature and poetry. I am looking forward to receiving constructive feedback.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Mother's Day Image Prompt Contest
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-05-19 07:31

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "The mermaid" conveys a dreamlike encounter with a mermaid who imparts a message of love and selflessness. The imagery of the mermaid singing a song of love and holding a baby that is a mix of human and fish is intriguing and adds depth to the narrative. The message of loving oneself and others without expecting anything in return is clear and impactful.

One suggestion for improvement would be to further develop the descriptions and emotions in the poem. Adding more sensory details and exploring the speaker's feelings and reactions to the mermaid's message could enhance the reader's connection to the poem. Additionally, consider refining the structure and flow of the poem to create a more cohesive and engaging narrative.

Overall, "The mermaid" presents a heartfelt message about the power of love and selflessness. By expanding on the imagery and emotions within the poem, you can create a more immersive and resonant experience for the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Sun, 2024-05-19 09:39

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I have read your story and understand that you have dreamed your way to a new understanding of what it means to love.
I know that the comprehension of the English lanuage is a trial, and not the easiest to learn; so it may be hard to learn
the various forms that describe the action of seeing and possession, and where they cross.
If I may, I will rewrite some lines to help you out.

I had a dream...
so, people would know...
Myself, I swam ...
she found them...

~ Geezer.
.

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