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A Major's Memoirs ( Military Memories' contest )
With long-life fear blossoms stay fresh
of shirts once soaked in blood and flesh.
As lavish bombs would lash the ear,
blossoms stay fresh with long-life fear.
In search for peace, pellets blast the air
men fight fiends, women fight the scare,
but how could the stars stay in ease,
when pellets blast in search for peace!
The crimson moon hung 'cross the sky
then farewell soon with no goodbye,
to show again, it won't be soon,
It passed away -that crimson moon.
The heroes fall like pretty stars
with heavy wounds, unhealed scars,
with broken hearts that once were whole,
like pretty stars the heroes fall.
Some roads we tread though high the price,
all profits gone but for the mice,
we lived in shells and tears we shed,
so high the price for roads we tread.
Comments
raj
Thu, 2018-05-10 13:41
Hi Rula
First I thought it is a sonnet but it is not since it runs into 5 quatrains instead of 4 quatrains + 1 two liner....anyway it runs as smooth as a sonnet...i notice the rhyme sequence as aabb, ccdd, eeff, gghhh, iijjj...may be conforming to some poetry form i am not aware of
In L1 S3 may be you wanted to use "hung" instead of "hanged" ,,,i don't think the change would make any difference in syllable count
the forced rest seems to have helped you to write this...
take good care on your road to full recovery..
warmly...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Thu, 2018-05-10 14:40
dear Raj
Thank you for the visit.
This is a form called 'the swap quatrain '
The number of quatrains is unlimited. All you need to have 8 syllables each line. The first and fourth lines are repeated but you make a swap between the first part and the second part of the first line, hence comes the name. Don't know if the form fits the theme.
As for hanged, it's the exact word as you see the moon is "crimson " took its color from the blood shed in the battle and then it's hanged itself across the sky and passed away.
The forced rest was just what I needed I guess. Ha!
Thank you dear raj
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raj
Thu, 2018-05-10 14:50
Hi Rula
if you had not told me about this form involving swap i may not have noticed it....i read it again to see how this swap has been done....surely it is more demanding than sonnet and you are an ever green tryer ...
hmmmmmmmmmmmm so poets are also now involved in swapping :) of course of words
your explanation about hanged is absolutely right
take best care dear friend....
warmly...
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Thu, 2018-05-10 15:00
Rula
For benefit of readers like me who are not well versed with the nuances of specific poetry forms, i suggest you add information about this swap form in last few words...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Thu, 2018-05-10 16:18
Done
as recommended raj
Thank you
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raj
Thu, 2018-05-10 16:23
Thanks Rula
for adding information about this form of poetry in last few words. Readers would now be able to better appreciate your poem and the challenges involved. However you have not mentioned that a line can also be split and swapped as you had mentioned to me and as is done by you in your contest poem.
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Fri, 2018-05-11 13:20
dear raj
It says that the first line is reversed in the fourth line
Here is the definition and some example as you follow the link
http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/swapquatrain.html
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raj
Fri, 2018-05-11 14:30
are you saying that the line
are you saying that the line cannot be split into two?
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Fri, 2018-05-11 17:06
You split
and reverse the two parts in the fourth line
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raj
Fri, 2018-05-11 17:11
I Know
but is it allowed by the metrics of the form? just curious. not that I intend to have a go at it :)
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Sat, 2018-05-12 13:43
Why
not give it a go? :)
It's not a very strict form. All you need is to accept the challenge. Metrically there are no real restrictions.
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raj
Sat, 2018-05-12 14:08
honestly
it is tougher than a sonnet and I am still in kinder garden learning to get a sonnet right...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Sat, 2018-05-12 14:09
honestly
it is tougher than a sonnet and I am still in kinder garden learning to get a sonnet right...
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raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Thu, 2018-05-10 15:00
So very creative
the only thing I would shudder
to be treated by
bombs so '''lavish''
good for contest
you may like to so
MARK IT
Rula
Rula
Thu, 2018-05-10 16:20
Already marked
(Military memories)
dear lovedly
Thanks for the visit.
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lovedly
Thu, 2018-05-10 21:58
sorry Rula
I didn't know
they had done away with Contests
now you can hang me
hopefully...
Geezer
Thu, 2018-05-10 15:32
I think...
Raj is right about the word [hanged] it should be hung!
~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rula
Thu, 2018-05-10 16:12
Please follow the link
A verb used without obj. No. 4
I really need help here
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/hanged
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lovedly
Thu, 2018-05-10 22:09
no disputes grammatically but
no disputes grammatically but
''Hanged, as a past tense and a past participle of hang, is used in the sense of
“to put to death by hanging,” as in Frontier courts hanged many a prisoner after a summary trial. A majority of the Usage Panel objects to hung used in this sense.
but the ''moon''
may prefer to be hung
Rula now your poetic
version and final decision
to avoid multiple confusion
Rula
Fri, 2018-05-11 13:34
Thank you
I edited after many doing many readins. Seems the two words are v. close in their usage.
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raj
Fri, 2018-05-11 17:18
suggestion
you may think about shortening the title of this good contest poem to " A Majpr's Memoirs"
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raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Sat, 2018-05-12 13:49
Yup!
I like it.
Thanks for taking the time to read and offer your valuable thoughts dear frind.
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gregwa8
Wed, 2018-05-23 20:59
love what you've done with
love what you've done with the swap quatrain form! it's the first that i've heard of it. this would translate very well to being shared aloud. the repetition is beautiful.