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A Heartache From Within

Submitted by arja on Wed, 2012-08-29 01:18

Trapped within this adversary,
memorizing each agony,
of an era filled with pain,
with nothing to gain...

Seeing each other’s sorrow,
from a moment that's borrowed,
stolen by an entity,
leaving our souls empty...

Why do we let ourselves fall,
into the hands of those who control?
Our cry for democracy lost,
where we fought for freedom the most.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

Comments

Nordic cloud

Wed, 2012-08-29 14:47

Nordic cloud's picture

"without nothing..." = with something. ...Without anything to gain? or with nothing to gain.

How vulnerable we are sometimes, yes.

Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

arja

Thu, 2012-08-30 00:54

arja's picture

I joined to learn and appreciate the guidance..i agree, will do the changes! :)

author comment

arja

Thu, 2012-08-30 00:59

arja's picture

..thanks, i've already changed the "without" to "with nothing --". I was imagining myself in the 70's era here in the Philippines,
"The Martial Law" -- during the Marcos Regim. Where people were really struggling for democracy..

author comment

Rula

Wed, 2012-08-29 23:58

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for me it is I think memorable because it aches . I felt my heart "slipping away" with your words of agony, sorrow, fall , lost and empty and not to forget trapped which for me sets the scene well for me as a sad read.

It is too mindful because it evokes both the feelings and the thoughts upon what's happening around us all over the world

I think I would capitalize the first word of each stanza or at least Trapped in the first stanza but it is always my honest opinion

It really touched my heart dear araj

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

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arja

Thu, 2012-08-30 01:10

arja's picture

..yes, that was actually what I wanted to convey.. a memory of a place filled with sadness, where in I wanted to leave the reader thinking..whether this should go on..or else, we should make a difference..

..as for the feel of capitalizing the letter of each word beginning in each stanza..hmmm, I am thinking about that..but I was trying to concieve each stanza as a thought running through one's mind (freedom / like thinking out loud).. still thinking about it though, and looking forward to more of your honest opinions as always.. :)

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-08-30 05:09

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but why the ellipses? They detract. I am guessing you were trying to portray thoughts as they re-occur in your life, but I do not believe ellipses are the way to do it.

I love that you have not given up on democracy, despite the despair we all feel at times.

You are an intelligent and beautiful poet and your work is worth more than you think it is.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

arja

Fri, 2012-08-31 03:49

arja's picture

..hmmm, i see what you mean. Perhaps if I change the beginning of each paragraph as previously suggested by Rula, then trail off with ellipses - as intended initially to give the reader time to think things over. I'll do some changes and see the effect, else would you have any suggestions?

..also thanks for the continous guidance & support. :)

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-08-31 03:46

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I like it just as it is, a worthy contribution to the workshop

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Mon, 2012-09-03 06:23

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to say was one i felt most memorable - and couldn't -they are all worthy

as rula says-it pulls at the heartstrings
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

arja

Mon, 2012-09-03 20:33

arja's picture

thanks judyanne! ..I always look forward to learning from you..

author comment

Esker

Mon, 2012-09-03 23:23

Esker's picture

" for a moment thats been borrowed
stolen by an entity
leaves our souls withdrawn and emptied

Do we let ourselves decline
into the hands of those controlling>
Cry out for democratic loss
where we fought for freedom
Foremost at cost! "

I like this poem its gentle and strong
and well worded

I remember reading Poe of all people
in his rolling works of words and rhyme
and I applied it here

Just my version of course!

Thank You

Barbara Writes

Wed, 2014-11-26 03:36

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Another poem I enjoy reading. I suppose everybody has a struggle that causes their heart to ache from within. No critique I can offer as its flawless from my viewpoint.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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arja

Wed, 2014-11-26 20:19

arja's picture

Flawless.. leaving me speechless and teary eyed.

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