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Floating

Submitted by Mary Beth Magee on Sat, 2024-04-20 17:27

I remember how it feels to levitate,
To rise from the floor and hover there.
Recalling how I glided across the room,
Breaking, overcoming the law of gravity
By my own strength of belief, I laugh with the joy of the memory.
So clearly the days live in my memory.
How familiar the sensation felt,
How perfectly normal to skim along
Light as a whisper against skin,
Mere Inches above the floor.
In those innocent days of childhood
I believed I could float, so I did.
But how long ago it has been
Since I could float?
Since I believed I could float?
Too long, too many years.
I made the mistake of growing up,
Growing beyond childhood imaginings.
Life has weighed me down,
Dragging at my mind and soul,
And I find I cannot rise above its ponderous presence
Anymore.
But I remember…

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
Things lost in childhood?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Poetry Month 2024 Imagine
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2024-04-20 23:30

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Floating" effectively uses the metaphor of levitation to explore themes of childhood innocence, belief, and the burdens of adulthood. The narrative progression from the memory of floating to the present inability to do so creates a poignant contrast that engages the reader.

However, the poem could benefit from more concrete imagery and sensory details. The current descriptions of floating and levitation are somewhat abstract, and incorporating more tangible elements could help the reader better visualize and connect with the poem.

The line "By strength of will, I laugh" seems a bit disjointed from the surrounding lines. It might be more effective to clarify the relationship between the act of laughing and the act of levitating.

The poem's rhythm and flow could be improved by varying the line lengths and sentence structures. The majority of the sentences in the poem are of similar length, and introducing more variation could create a more dynamic reading experience.

The ending lines "Life has weighed me down / And I cannot rise above its ponderous presence / Anymore" effectively convey a sense of heaviness and loss. However, the word "ponderous" might be replaced with a more specific descriptor to better illustrate the nature of the burdens that prevent the speaker from floating.

Overall, the poem has a strong thematic core and a compelling narrative progression. With some refinement in the areas of imagery, rhythm, and word choice, it could be even more impactful.

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