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After school treat!

Submitted by Leslie on Thu, 2024-04-04 05:52

Mom would make them,
bake them up sweet!
They were supposed to be
the whole families treat?
I'd stand right beside her
stealing spoonfuls of batter.
When I was a kid
well, not much else mattered!
She'd criss cross the tops
and bake them together.
By the time they were finished
the aroma had gathered,
straight up in our nostrils
from off of the platter.
We'd run to the table
and take off our ball caps,
to eat them with milk
and take a long nap!

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

I halvn't slept in days. This memory quelled, for a moment the pain that I've felt for days.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

04/24 My Favorite Cookie

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-04-04 11:52

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem demonstrates a strong sense of nostalgia and warmth, which is effectively conveyed through the vivid imagery of baking peanut butter cookies. However, there are areas that could benefit from refinement to enhance the overall impact and coherence of the poem.

Firstly, the punctuation throughout the poem could be revised for consistency. For example, the question mark at the end of the line "the whole families treat?" seems misplaced as the line doesn't appear to be a question.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhyme scheme. The poem starts with an AABB pattern, but this is not maintained throughout the entire piece. A consistent rhyme scheme can help to create a rhythmic flow and enhance the musicality of the poem.

Lastly, the poem could be improved by exploring more sophisticated language and poetic devices. For example, metaphors, similes, and personification could be used to add depth and complexity to the descriptions. This could help to evoke stronger emotions and create a more immersive reading experience.

Overall, the poem has a strong foundation and with some revisions, it could be further enhanced.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Thu, 2024-04-04 10:04

I was...

taken back to those days of baking cookies with my mom,
and I may have even caught a whiff of warm peanut butter.
I stayed with the piece, although it started to get a little muddy toward the last.
I can appreciate the near rhyme of some of the lines, but I found that I wasn't certain
where some of the lines met with the lines before. I think that it started with the line
"That peanutty aroma had gathered," I felt that the rhythm kind of fell apart there.

I would suggest that maybe, you could try to keep the rhythm going, by figuring out how to
make the idea of the aroma/scent/smell come across by rearranging some words and/or eliminating others.

How about: The peanutty smell gathered?

I think that if you read the lines straight through, you will find the little bumps.

The title is okay, but maybe could be a little more original.
Your language use is okay
I love the theme and the beginning and ending were both good.

~ Geez.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Leslie

Thu, 2024-04-04 23:40

Geez

I went through it again and made a revision. See if you like it better.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

author comment

Geezer

Fri, 2024-04-05 08:38

I think...

that it reads much smoother. I like the way you dealt with the aroma. Nice stuff! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Fri, 2024-04-05 15:41

After School Treat!

Hello, Leslie,
Thanks for these memories - my grandmother made them, as did mother, as did I for my children, and then my grands who are now young adults. Wow... a lifetime of wonderful peanut butter cookies. I kinda liked your original title as these are such traditional, cozy, universal treats, but this title is good, too. This "criss cross" reference is a gem. Much enjoyed this! Are you going to enter it in the "My Favorite Cookie" contest?
Thank you!
L
(Hope your happy memory helped you through the days you've described in
your last few words...)

Leslie

Sat, 2024-04-06 03:38