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Acceptance can't write your obituary
Locked in the basement
There’s a dying bird in the basement-
Yet I’m far too tired to go down and chase it.
This corvid has followed me since I was a child,
I admit that I fed it, unaware that it was wild.
Like a thick black blanket — all of these crows
They stood like Gargoyles, over my childhood home.
Now its trapped in my basement,
And I just can’t be bothered to go down and chase it
It caws and claws, a hoarse rushed rattle-
It begs - I ignore and summon an awkward cackle.
It’ll break its neck one day and then the ruckus will stop,
Oh the realisation, what happens when it begins to rot?
I pace past the basement door,
Why should I face it if I can’t feel it anymore?
Ah - but I do! Its screech sends shivers up my spine,
It’s hidden crimson terror leaks, line by line.
Dread drags by like a sullen serf,
My gut drops, what will entry unearth?
My hand trembles as I open the basement,
I forgot how crowded this putrid place is.
Stained white sheets collect dust over furniture,
The beams above creak, a concerning curvature.
I forgot how barren this place is,
A thick grey smoke gallops through the basement.
Loud caws are hushed now - an echoed coo,
Sweet sound of insatiable hunger, I feel it too.
In a far corner, a pathetic nest of twigs and pearls,
Wrapped in the wings of a dying crow - a sweet little girl.
I saw her tears swell, with each thump of my footsteps,
Her sweet cherub cheeks, she reeked of neglect.
My footsteps soften on the basement floor,
Knees begin to buckle, and my head is so sore.
I join this child, wrap my awkward arms around her,
Soft flesh now cold, I look to face a mirror.
I let this crow grow cold next to me,
“douce âme qui souffre, bonne nuit”.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words:
I'm unsure of the last few lines. This was hard to write as I still can't find the words.
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-05-01 13:52
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Acceptance can't write your obituary" delves into themes of neglect, introspection, and confronting one's past. The imagery of the dying bird in the basement serves as a powerful metaphor for unresolved issues and emotional burdens that have been ignored or avoided. The contrast between the speaker's initial indifference towards the bird and the eventual realization of its significance is effectively portrayed.
One suggestion for improvement would be to further develop the emotional journey of the speaker. Exploring the internal conflict and transformation more explicitly could enhance the impact of the poem. Additionally, paying attention to the flow and structure of the poem could help create a more cohesive narrative.
Overall, the poem successfully conveys a sense of introspection and emotional reckoning. By delving deeper into the speaker's emotional arc and refining the structure, the poem could further elevate its themes and resonate more strongly with the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Wed, 2024-05-01 09:41
This is very deep...
I am of two minds here; one is that you did indeed have a crow for a pet,
and that it became trapped in your basement.
Two, is that you have regret in not giving the crow much attention as you grew older
and it suffered a lonely death. Either way, I am acutely aware of the grief you feel.
"Sweet soul that suffers, goodnight."
I am not sure about your title, I think that I get it, but maybe... it has another entirely different meaning.
You might be referring to your death as coming, and though you may have accepted it, it may feel like you need to apologize for not wanting or being able to grow up. The pace was sedate and easy to follow. Nice stuff!
~ Geezer.
.
.
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tyro
Wed, 2024-05-01 15:15
I tried, but I couldn't
I tried, but I couldn't figure it out. first I though it was an allegory, then I though it was real. "Acceptance" and "locked in the basement." etc.
I could not find corvid in the dictionary, And not having a side translation of the last line is an added dificulty to me.
But it has intrigued me.
Tyro
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
Geezer
Wed, 2024-05-01 22:33
The side translation is...
Sweet soul that suffers, goodnight - [French].
Corvids are members of the crow and raven families, which includes jays and magpies. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rula
Sun, 2024-05-05 04:53
Hello P.j
Unless this is based on a true story, I wonder how can anyone's imagination help to bring up to the reader such a descriptive and well captured piece.
I have to admit that longish pieces of poetry were never my favorite, but this draws my attention till the very last line. And I have to thank sir Gee for the translation. I thinkyou needed to added as a footnote in your last few words as not everyone ( including me) does not have always the potential to look up the translation. And yes, I think the last line makes a good ending
Thank you for sharing.
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