Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
The Facade
Chiseled by hand, formed to be alluring
You appear to have the clarity of diamonds
yet you’re hard, cold and sharp to touch.
You’re mysterious like a mature oyster
But underneath the impermeable shell
there's no smooth pearl to treasure.
.
You bring promises of spring colors
lush and green like emeralds
except no love grows from within.
Eyes iridescent prisms
an opal rainbow of colors
blurring with every tear you fall onto me.
Projecting a sheen of confidence
pliable like polished gold
but your metal contains no soul.
exuding warmth through soft garnet lips
passion in a scalding kiss
hiding harsh lies of deception.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Candlewitch
Wed, 2011-08-24 13:44
Hello,
A wonderful piece. Makes me think of some soulless people I know who are beautiful on the outside, but their beauty only runs skin deep. Liked these lines:
exuding warmth through soft garnet lips
passion in a scalding kiss
hiding harsh lies of deception.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Loreli
Wed, 2011-08-24 16:00
Thank you Cat!
I know a few like this also....and I work with one or two! So pleased you read this and commented on it. Wasn't really sure about it...still not sure I like the first stanza so if you are so inclined I would love any suggestions, thanks again Cat.
Cheers, Lori
author commentEduardo Cruz
Wed, 2011-08-24 16:17
Lori,
Awareness is half the battle against lies. It is not easy to recognize. The way to see it is that there is truth in your own heart. Even though you write of a facade, the truth in the write stands out brighter. That is what I truly enjoyed about your written truth.
Kudos!!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Loreli
Wed, 2011-08-24 16:44
Thank you Eddie
I wrote this about several individuals and just rolled them all into one person. Some of them are easy to see through, others good actors till you scratch more than the surface. So pleased you enjoyed "my truth"!
Thanks again,
Cheers,
Lori
author commentLoreli
Thu, 2011-08-25 20:55
Dear Lonnie
Wow, thanks so very much! I am so honored you felt this about my poem.
Cheers, Lori
author commentraj
Thu, 2011-08-25 23:44
Lori
like almost always...your word usage is exceptional ...describing deception....
raj (sublime_ocean)
weirdelf
Fri, 2011-08-26 04:44
the problem with the first stanza is to find a replacement
for the word beautiful. it is always a copout word in poetry.
The rest, while expressing something that most can relate to seems to use poetic language almost arbitrarily. I'd suggest writing exactly what you mean in sparse prose then putting it together again for real social, human interaction.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Loreli
Fri, 2011-08-26 08:52
Thanks Jess
I appreciate your suggestions. Your right about the word beautiful...
I will see about reworking the rest.
Cheers, Lori
author commentLoreli
Fri, 2011-08-26 08:54
Thanks Rosi
Your right of course...I really like the word "alluring" so much better! I am going to try and rework the poem a bit and see what happens.
Thanks so much!
Cheers, Lori
author commentLoreli
Fri, 2011-08-26 20:45
Changing the line
Thanks Rosi,
I have decided for now just to change that word...I loved the word you suggested.
Hugs,
Lori
author comment