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slender trap

Submitted by CCfire on Fri, 2011-04-22 00:27

i would find us
in a small flower
faces turned to
make sway with sun
i would be rain
to fall softly
drops, radiant
and into snow
as winter laments
a sad aria of melodic white

but would you be my spring
leaping into summer's warmth
arms spread
waiting for a rosebud's birth

if love flourishes
as a tiny seed fulfills destiny
then i twist and turn about you
as a vine on a fragile bough
clasping tight
the tenuous web
poets describe
as the inconsistency of hearts
and slender stem of desire

i will grow a lifetime in moments
while you bury me deep
in the landscape of your eyes

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
I personally hate the title..so any suggestions are welcome
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eduardo Cruz

Fri, 2011-04-22 03:00

Eduardo Cruz's picture

Now that's how you write a love poem.
Damn girl I would have love to have written for my lady
Amazing imagery and the final impact is subline.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

vexations10

Fri, 2011-04-22 16:11

I like the title and wonder if you need “the.” Slender Trap might be enough, but what do I know? Just thinking.
The theme rocks, what a lovely metaphor.
I love the ending and think it might be the strongest line of the poem. “bury me deep....eyes”
Beginning is strong too in my humble opinion. Love “in sway with the sun.”
I am a gardener so you hooked me on this one right off. I am also a romantic, but don’t tell my wife.

vexations

CCfire

Fri, 2011-04-22 20:15

CCfire's picture

Yes I believe you are right, I don't need 'the' in the title. I often write theme's with gardens, my grandfather was an avid gardener and as a child my memories were always of flowers etc. Thank you for the great comment.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

Marie Marshall

Sat, 2011-04-23 05:45

I'm not crazy about the title either, but sometimes a title that sits uneasily can mean that the poem itself is pulled forward by its own word-power.

I wonder how much longer we poets are going to keep using nature-images to convey the idea of love? Do you think the metaphor will ever run out of steam?

___________

Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.

CCfire

Sat, 2011-04-23 06:48

CCfire's picture

I'm not sure a garden as a metaphor would ever go cold, it's ever changing which love tends to be, depends if you weed it or not I guess lol

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

magics02

Sat, 2011-04-23 09:57

Really beautiful write CC

Blessings
Mona

Pixee

Sat, 2011-04-23 10:13

Pixee's picture

I have to agree with everyone on this one. It was a pleasant read. I will keep this one in my thoughts.

Pixee

CCfire

Sat, 2011-05-07 17:03

CCfire's picture

Thank you J, I am so thrilled you liked it so much :)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment
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