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love letter #3
we can do right or wrong
and yet we can't win it,
the argument, love
whatever is peppered
on that merciless breeze
the hanging is around my neck
and to break it
would be to swing
freely; but no one is free
i sleep in a manless bed
for no other reason
than space
and he sleeps with her
for no reason at all
unless he's frightened
or bitter, or too tired to fight
the thing about sweetness,
we crave it-
an army of blood ants
scrambling onto sugar
sliding into honey jars
stupid bastards
they drown there
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
Melbourne, Australia
Favorite Poets
Bukowski, Neruda, Rumi, Gibran, Jeffers, Corso, Waldman, Kerouac
Comments
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2011-04-15 18:46
Chez
It almost sounds like a surrender, until the very end, then it seems like pity for all the stupidty that is found in relationships.
If so, I truly enjoyed the way you constructed this, it's how you carry the reader to the end.
A capturing read!
Bravisima!
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
CCfire
Fri, 2011-04-15 19:48
Got it
I like the fact you read beyond the words, yes this is surrender and the stupidity too
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentEduardo Cruz
Fri, 2011-04-15 19:54
Chez
I'm trying to figure out the title. Is it referening to sticky situations or clinginess?
Eddie C.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
CCfire
Fri, 2011-04-15 20:04
It's a fake title lol it's
It's a fake title lol it's one of the love letter series with numbers but I clicked out of the file before I got the number so put something there for the time being..I need to change it :P
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentEduardo Cruz
Fri, 2011-04-15 20:09
Chez
The title works for me if it's speaking of sticky situations in relationship, because sometimes we want out and it becomes hard because of the pain we might cause others, but still we must do what is right for us.
EC
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
CCfire
Fri, 2011-04-15 20:14
I think it works too but I
I think it works too but I don't want to change the series up from how I originally wanted them number as per Anne Walman's so it's all fixed now
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-04-15 22:58
I was tempted to skip this from the title
love poems seldom end up well.
But glad I didn't. Terse and strong. And that last stanza is a killer.
When someone pisses me off with a mushy, sentimental, cliched love poem I might just refer them to this.
There is an ambiguity in the lines-
the hanging is around my neck
and to break it
would be to swing
freely; but no one is free
that I am disinclined to mess with.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Marie Marshall
Sat, 2011-04-16 01:40
You asked...
... for comments on the ending. Perhaps 'they drown there' is strong enough to appear as a separate line. It's unlike you to have the longest line of a poem right at the end.
scrambling onto sugar
sliding into honey jars
stupid bastards, they drown there
I like the sudden force of the sibilance at the beginning of each of those lines, however, reinforced by 'stupid bastards'. Maybe isolating the final phrase would emphasise that.
___________
Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.
CCfire
Sat, 2011-04-16 01:52
Marie
It's exactly the part in the poem I wasn't sure with so I left it, I guess my style was always to have the last part the zinger/killer I think I will isolate it and see what people think
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2011-04-16 02:09
ahem, don't you mean
Isolate it and see what YOU think?
Read it aloud, tried and true test.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
CCfire
Sat, 2011-04-16 02:13
lol yep that's what I meant
lol yep that's what I meant sheesh it's been a hard hangover day here...give me a break lol Thanks Jess, I always read mine out loud and on occasions use Soundcloud to record them and listen to them back. It helps. Marie is so used to me making the 'bang' at the end of my pieces by letting the final line hang.
Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche
author commentMarie Marshall
Sat, 2011-04-16 02:20
Bang
And you give plenty for my bucks.
___________
Nah pop no style, a strickly roots.