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for the birds (vignette)

Submitted by CCfire on Sun, 2011-03-27 23:02

seven small finches
~

breath on windows
spelled numbers cubed

tiny parts, tiny days
the song is tired he said

~
some days it can melt you
~

the way
light falls on
the inside of your arms
as you brush your hair
creates an ache for
parts of you
i do not know

i must be inspired
you stay

~
morning's purple
~

its torn, bloodied lip
motionless

and dawn ridicules us
clouds balance out color
before storms

~
crystallized
~

this is how shallow
a grave might be
when one cannot die

completely

then birds return
you find feathers
where the words fell

we are their
shattering

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
This is a vignette with the title between ~ ~ instead of using numbers, so each poem reads as one or is coupled with all of the vignettes together.
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing

Comments

weirdelf

Mon, 2011-03-28 06:38

weirdelf's picture
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It is an excellent vignette, powerfully evocative. The lines-
morning's purple
~

its torn, bloodied lip
motionless

are bloody brilliant.

Now this is surely part of my warped visual imagination but-
why light rests the way you brush hair
inside arms, this ache for
parts of you i do not know

evokes for me an image of someone brushing their under-arm hair. Perhaps
why light rests the way you brush hair
could be slightly re-worded, or just some punctuation. Or perhaps ignore my twisted mind [grins].

Seriously though, this is a "trap for young players" when using enjambment, you've got to be careful where it is and where it isn't.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

CCfire

Mon, 2011-03-28 06:40

CCfire's picture

I have fiddled with that line for so long lol it became blurred, I know what I want I just can't get it..I like to leave them sometimes to sit and then it just appears and I think why didn't I think of that before..yes enjambment is still a thing I struggle with and I see your point. I will be editing this, glad you saw it the way it was bothering me too lol.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2011-03-28 06:41

weirdelf's picture
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and post this as a blog.
I'm about to make a formal request to the AEC to create a new Forum for informational pieces like you have been posting recently, they are invaluable and should be an immediate resource for all members.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Mon, 2011-03-28 15:58

weirdelf's picture
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I've asked the AEC to create a "Reference Forum". They will have a lot on their plate, as you can imagine, so it might not happen soon, but get ready to copy, or even combine and edit your blogs to post there.

The problem with blogs is they get lost in the streams of time, whereas Forums hang around.

I'm getting really excited about the opening of new Neopoet, I feel an increasing sense of unity of purpose and commitment to growth.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Blue_Halcyon

Mon, 2011-03-28 07:47

Blue_Halcyon's picture

Only Jess would come up with imagery like that in his head after reading that! (Probably because he is the poet most likely to write about arm pit hair.) HA!

I agree though, it is awkward.

Here's my suggestion for that bump in the road:

the way
glowing light falls on
the inside of your arms
as you brush your hair
creates this ache for
parts of you
i do not know

There's my two cents - maybe that will help steer you in the direction you're wanting to go with that section.

I found the imagery you used for the dawn interesting, as I was having similar thoughts about the sunset here yesterday. If only I could express my thoughts as eloquently as you do, I'd be a bit more pleased with my work. ;-)

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

weirdelf

Mon, 2011-03-28 16:22

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http://new.neopoet.com/node/3244

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Blue_Halcyon

Mon, 2011-03-28 17:38

Blue_Halcyon's picture

I'm the muse of the armpit! hahaha lol

It is such a secret place, the land of tears. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

CCfire

Mon, 2011-03-28 20:53

CCfire's picture

Thank you, that was inspired to rework that part that has given me grief and I hadn't considered actually revolving the entire three lines around like that but it certainly works much better. :)

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment

Esker

Fri, 2011-04-08 16:25

Esker's picture

love the linework of your work
i remember joy in reading poetry
in old fashioned books
not the glowing screens
I remember turning pages
and finding passages
that would etch itself on
the plate of memory

thats passion
and thats what you write

thats what I feel in this

CCfire

Sat, 2011-04-09 19:37

CCfire's picture

I feel very humbled that someone of your ilk and work would say that, it's so very nice to be in a new community of poets that I feel give genuine comments and are not afraid to crit a work as well. Thank you so much for those comments.

Chez
"The perfect woman perpetrates literature as she does a small sin: as an experiment, in passing, to see if anybody notices it - and to makes sure that somebody does." - Nietzsche

author comment
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