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When They Come Asking

Submitted by William Saint George on Tue, 2014-01-14 13:30

It's been a while since I talked
with someone who wanted to listen,
told them of all the useless
things I could think of to fill
the time,
those days have long since dogeared
there are vignettes on the edges
of the frame, rust, rat bites,
the colours aren't vivid anymore,
except the smiles,
those will last a while, I think,
before they too are rubbed
off by neglect.

It's the same thing that happens
when I'm forgotten.
I see my finger tips grow lighter,
feel less,
I see a little less light each morning,
or the sun moves a few feet farther,
or the earth drifts away.

I hear a little less,
speak more softly than I used to,
think a lot more, rather,
and speak in short syllables.

But now I barely whisper;
you'll have to taste the air
from my mouth to know what I'm
saying.
This poem will end soon also,
because the mind from which it comes
falters, drifts away into empty space
where planets are for company
that come by once in a few hundred years
to say hello accompanied by their
moons that look and wonder why
a satellite will float alone - their
courtesies count for something more than yours,
I'll swear.

If they ever come asking, tell them I
was never there, that I'm that whisper
lingering in the air, and you,
you are responsible for this poem.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
I've worked on this one before, so it's not exactly a first draft. Should I submit another poem that I've just started working on?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
The Complete Poem- Start to Finish

Comments

Rula

Tue, 2014-01-14 14:39

Rula's picture
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an emotional piece I'd say. It well describes the feelings of someone who becomes really old and really lonely.
I thought the form works hand in hand to show the speaker's state of mind. He looks tired and kinda of distracted in a way or another.
In one place you've used the 'taste the air' I am not sure about it though I like it as I thought it is fresh in a way, but at the same time I thought we can't taste the air. I would simply use "test the air" but again I don't think it is a better choice, so I am sure you've a point in using 'taste"

Very well written though I never thought of you as an old guy, are you :)?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

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William Saint George

Tue, 2014-01-14 15:07

William Saint George's picture

It was deliberate...

I used "taste" to suggest that, in order to hear me now, you've got to get your head so close to my lips, you'll literally "taste my breath".

I feel old most of the time, but I'm 23 yrs :D. I wrote this poem when I was depressed, so the loneliness is strong. The old age hinted at in the poem is just a metaphor for becoming increasingly insignificant. It does show how I felt when writing this poem.

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Seren

Wed, 2014-01-15 10:30

Seren's picture

I am not sure about posting another poem I really love this one, but maybe you should ask one of the leaders

Now to cover your review request ---

What did you think of my title? --- I was really taken with your title I wouldn't change it, it fits perfectly

How was my language use? --- Your language use fitted in with your theme really well

How does this theme appeal to you? -- I hate using the word loved but this holds a sad quiet beauty about it

How was the beginning/ending of the poem? --- I only have one gripe its with the end of the poem

and you're responsible --- I would remove the [and] and just have 'you're responsible'
for this poem.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this it appealed to me very much

love JC xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

William Saint George

Wed, 2014-01-15 15:30

William Saint George's picture

That's a good suggestion! Thanks for reading this poem Jayne :D

You'll notice how I expanded "you're" too. I felt the last line needed to change with the removal of "and". Does it work?
.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Seren

Thu, 2014-01-16 05:57

Seren's picture

It works for me I think that makes for a smoother ending

see what the others think

JC x

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

wesley snow

Wed, 2014-01-15 21:50

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Everything, no matter how well worked, is a rough draft of some level.
I'm going to address only my proofread and your vocabulary for now. Later I will broach context and form.
Stanza 1, Line 11- "those ones" is redundant. "Those" will suffice.
S2, L2- We need a period here instead of a comma. This is also true in S4, L4.
S4, L7- following "space" is an unnecessary comma. Also following "hello". You won't burn in Hell for using them, but they are unnecessary grammatically and I hold to the age old adage that "when in doubt, leave it out".
The poem has much to offer, so stay with this one and I'll have more to say after a few more conversations in the main body of the workshop.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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William Saint George

Thu, 2014-01-16 03:34

William Saint George's picture

Thanks for going through this Wesley. I'm guilty of overusing punctuation in my poems. :-/

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

wesley snow

Thu, 2014-01-16 13:38

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Just the occasional extra here and there.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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raj

Thu, 2014-01-16 14:24

nicely crafted which holds the mind with many a punchline...the last stanza delivers a telling blow...I am no expert to critique...it was a pleasure read for me...regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

weirdelf

Wed, 2014-01-22 11:33

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love it! A lovely, somewhat haunting and evocative piece.

If it was prose some of those commas would be periods or semicolons however as verse it is a valid, even a necessary, device. Can't spot any other punctuation or spelling errors.

I see exposition in the first two stanzas, complication in the third, climax in the fourth and resolution in the fifth. Anyway that's my take on it.

Absolutely gorgeous use of enjambment. Used to such a degree is risky but you pulled it off. On about fifth read when I was focussing on it I could imagine a conductor leading an orchestra for timing, pace and effect.

The content is dazzling, predictably I love the cosmological imagery. Some favourite stanzas and imagery:
those days have long since dogeared
there are vignettes on the edges
of the frame, rust, rat bites,

because the mind from which it comes
falters, drifts away into empty space
where planets are for company
that come by once in a few hundred years

I couldn't resist doing a reading. My apologies, it is flawed, some stumbles and skipped enjambments.
https://soundcloud.com/jess-tapper/when-they-come-asking

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

William Saint George

Sat, 2014-01-25 09:44

William Saint George's picture

The poem was truly heartfelt, based on real events in my life. Your appreciating it this much soothes me :) I liked the recording too. :D

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

wesley snow

Thu, 2014-01-23 12:58

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... on every point.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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William Saint George

Wed, 2014-02-05 16:21

William Saint George's picture

This poem has a lot of cacophony. I find it tedious analyzing this poem because its written in such a conversational style.

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

wesley snow

Fri, 2014-02-07 18:22

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Use it to recognize the phonaesthetics and apply it to your next poem at the outset. It is easier to write euphonically from the beginning than to try and changed a mostly finished poem. If everyone simply learns that such a concept exists I will be thrilled.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

wesley snow

Mon, 2014-02-10 13:27

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I have no idea if this will work. "If" I have done it correctly and you have my recording, then know I don't like the sudden breath in the taping. I'll work on it, but I suspect my microphone is bloody cheap. I did not rehearse it. First reading. My difficulty lies in the technology. Garr, I hate computers, I love computers.
I belong to Big Brother.
Here is my recording I hope.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1ZLvvTydnMY

By the way, I like the poem. It is tragic.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

William Saint George

Mon, 2014-02-10 15:02

William Saint George's picture

This is my first time hearing you. The reading was delightful, but yes, the microphone was a problem, but not much: I love this!

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
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