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Water Me Down
Water me down
I’ve had enough
Try ECT
Or the chemical stuff
Part my hair
Strip my gown
Twist my wrists
And toast the town
String me up
To swing me round
Shape me square
And water me down
Punch a hole
Then stitch it up
Throw a stone
In the beggars cup
Clip my wings
Make me stare
Put a pencil in my mouth
I write on air
When all's laid bare
To the human eye
No help to spy
The well turned lie
Cut news clippings
Rock the boat
Paper rock scissors
The eye or the mote
My heart bled
My fist saw sky
Water me down
And make me shy
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
Barbara Writes
Thu, 2015-01-22 03:17
Simon
You've done well. My suggestion is that breaks in poetry give readers ability to pause and soak up your meaning. "Water me down" is a good title (a delicious cake) that should stand out and give us something to think about. What do you want us to take away or remember from this lovely piece in the making?
It's like I swallowed down a delicious cake whole all at once without stopping to taste it. The title "water me down" is like the sugar that gives it taste, but is hard to describe bc the tastebuds didn't get an opportunity taste or meditate on it. Keep writing.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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judyanne
Thu, 2015-01-22 04:53
hello simon
I really like this. Great rhythm and rhyme, up to the last third.
Just imo, it seems to loose the impetus after 'put a pencil in my mouth'.
I think if you made a break before it, to make the reader pause, and also one after 'cut news clippings', the new rhythm and rhyme schemes would be more quickly adjusted to
Just to my ear, also, it reads better if you give the word 'pressure' its own line:
'rock the boat
paper rock scissors
pressure
on the throat...'
I think the last line not only works, it makes the poem,
nice to meet you
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
weirdelf
Sat, 2016-12-24 16:20
Shoot me if I'm wrong
This made my heart bleed.
It took me unwillingly to the mental ward where a friend of mine was incarcerated recently.
As Judy said, that last line is a stroke of brilliance.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Sun, 2017-07-30 02:40
My reading
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/water-me-down
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
weirdelf
Mon, 2017-07-31 07:37
or this, perhaps.
I really can be obtuse.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/water-me-down-square
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry