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Sunshine

Submitted by bjucks on Sun, 2018-04-29 21:27

The passion inside struck her down
Taking back what's hers from start
Infectious smile with glow for skin
Spoke the residents of London town

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Basic and Essential Meter

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2018-05-04 21:17

weirdelf's picture
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I=Iamb, A=Anapaest, T=Trochee, D=Dactyl, Am=Amphibrach, S=Spondee, P=Pyrrhic, C=Catalexis, ~ = Caesura, [x= feet per line] (exclamation marks indicate perfect meter)

The pass/ion inside/ struck her/ down [I, A, T, C, x4]
Taking/ back what's/ hers from/ start [T, T, T, C, x4]
Infec/tious smile/ with glow/ for skin [I, I, I, I , x4 perfect Iambic Tetrameter!]
Spoke the/ resid/ents of/ London/ town [T, T, T, C, x4]

A catalexis is fine so lines 2 and 4 are good Trochaic Tetrameter but the point is to try to stick to one metric form throughout. Again I'll read it twice, perhaps our accents are very different.

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0OwH9zC52CW

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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