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Sunrise
The veil of night
slips away
as the sun
returns to glory.
Its warm caress
clears the dew
bathing the land
in golden hue
Revealing the world
in a riot of colours
to celebrate life
with euphoria.....
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is my first attempt at imagery poem, so I might need help to make it sounds better.
Editing stage:
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Comments
William Saint George
Thu, 2014-02-06 03:39
A few thoughts on this
"The veil of night
slips away
as the sun
returns to glory."
The imagery works well here, because you drew my attention to it in the last few words section. I ignored it on my first read. I think it's because "veil of night" is a tad cliche. Not bad though, but poets are in the habit of describing the night as a veil, or a blanket.
"Its warm touch
chase away
the morning dew
as it basks the land
in a golden hue"
L2 of this stanza should be "chases away".
L4 I never knew "bask" could be used transitively. Thanks for teaching me something new :D
I don't know why you capitalized "God". Was it for emphasis? If so, why? Does it bring more meaning to the poem that way?
These are just a few thoughts on this poem. Good morning :D
.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
alidzain
Thu, 2014-02-06 05:15
hi stan
thanks for the feedback. Done the edit.nope. missed out on the word "God".forget to decapitalize the last two alphabet.
Actually, its evening here. :)
Alid
Ian.T
Thu, 2014-02-06 03:52
Alid
Two small changes and a thing to look out for, when using an "s" to make a word Plural, as you have put in this piece the first needs to be plural as in chasing, chases..
The second to have more prayers unbalances the last line, it is a singular item as you have used His just before so prayer will do.
Prayers could also mean more than one person..
chase away--chases away
offer his thanks in prayers--offer his thanks in prayer.
Take care out there and as you say look at Wesley's teaching they are top line.
I play with words too much and am bad at punctuation and correct form, on my web page you will find a workshop category in there are many forms of poetry from A-Z..
This piece is very good, when writing general poetry in any form try not to write about a God as this restricts the field of readers.
Take care, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
alidzain
Thu, 2014-02-06 05:17
Thanks, Ian
I appreciate the update.
Alid
Seren
Thu, 2014-02-06 09:26
Alid
You have been offered some great advice above,
this is a lovely poem I think you have done a stellar job,
I really loved this one, Well done !
love and hugs JC xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
alidzain
Thu, 2014-02-06 10:04
thanks
thanks.have a good rest!
love and hugs
Alid
raj
Thu, 2014-02-06 11:26
Alid
Jim and Ian have already pointed out what I would have done otherwise, I liked the theme and the way you went about it...
regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Ian.T
Thu, 2014-02-06 13:32
Alid
Not sure if the line:-
"as it basks the land" is an edit but it is used in the wrong context.
Basks is to lay around, I think a better word would be "Bathes"
this is a present tense word,
Basks is a doing word and not for sunshine, unless you need a Tan then you can bask in the sunshine..
Take care and good walking with you,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Rula
Thu, 2014-02-06 14:09
Well done Khalid
and great comments and edits.
I like Ian's suggestion to use "bathes" instead of "basks"
as it basks the land
in[with] a golden hue.
and
offer[s] his thanks in prayer
A good capture indeed.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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raj
Thu, 2014-02-06 14:40
Few more suggestions
The veil of night
slips away
as the sun
returns to glory.
Its warm caress
clears the dew
bathing the land
in golden hue
Reveling the world
in a riot of colors
to celebrate life
with a thankful prayer.....
raj (sublime_ocean)
alidzain
Thu, 2014-02-06 18:29
thank you
Thank you, everyone! You guys are wonderful! I have done the edits and I love how it turns out now.
Thanks a million!
Alid
raj
Thu, 2014-02-06 23:00
Alid
To me it now reads good. Nice to know the suggestions proposed did not affect the essence of your beautiful poem.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
raj
Thu, 2014-02-06 23:07
Alid
If you feel it right, you may think of the following alternative
to celebrate life
with a thankful prayer..
to celebrate life
with euphoria
raj (sublime_ocean)
mand
Mon, 2014-02-10 23:09
Hi Alid
Wow! Brilliant - This is a stunning poem - you've done a great job, it's just beautiful.
Awesome!
Love Mand xxxxxxx :) 10 out of 10
alidzain
Tue, 2014-02-11 10:53
Mand
thanks, Mand
Alid
wesley snow
Sat, 2014-02-15 15:54
A very good minimalist poem.
William is right though. You use "basks" inappropriately. How about "drapes" instead.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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alidzain
Sat, 2014-02-15 16:05
i've changed
the word to bathing , following raj's suggestion. Still not sure if that's the right word , though....
Alid
wesley snow
Sat, 2014-02-15 17:46
that works for me
I would have used a single syllable.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about