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SunKu 11 Workshop
Snowy
white winter
killed my battery
Oooh hooo
my car
sits in the yard
Yes yes
she’s under
warranty
Editing stage:
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United States
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Billy Collins, Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, Whitman, Jess Tapper
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Comments
raj
Wed, 2018-02-21 15:02
Pretty humorous and witty
Pretty humorous and witty Sunku Barbara.
raj (sublime_ocean)
Barbara Writes
Wed, 2018-02-21 15:06
Thanks
I just found out my battery under 36,000 miles warranty and will get a brand new battery. I’m ecstatic. Car has 30,000 miles. Who hoo. I’ve been jumping it since snow day in January.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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author commentIRiz
Thu, 2018-02-22 09:10
Hello Barbara,
Hello Barbara,
there is something in your third stanza that makes me feel that your poem is more like a message to your friend.
Think about your write as a message to a person hundred years in the future. Think about if this is the only one that will be left from you. It could still be humarous but it should have a touch of your heart there. But the current poem is not like that.
It is not intense enough to be a true poem.
IRiz
Barbara Writes
Thu, 2018-02-22 11:22
Thanks for suggestions
I’m not sure if I want to project a hundred years from now. I tend to live in the moment and this project the moment. Hopefully it will project the message to any reader a hundred years from now. I think the tone of excited of learning that the battery is still under warranty has a heartfeltness to it. What do think, if that makes sense at all?
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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author commentIRiz
Thu, 2018-02-22 12:01
Warranty concept is out of my
Warranty concept is out of my poetic range, but I maybe wrong.
IRiz
Barbara Writes
Thu, 2018-02-22 12:32
Warranty
Oh yeah I’m a risk taker. By nature I attempt to poeticize anything and hope it works. Maybe theirs another word or phrase that will convey the same thought. any suggestions? I’m poetically challenge to traditional poetry writing that’s been around forever. I tend to just write then tweak base on my understanding of the form which is often, as one person on here called ass backwards some time ago
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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author commentIRiz
Thu, 2018-02-22 13:13
snowy
snowy
long winter
killed my batteries
I am
parked in the yard
sleek and sleepy
hoping
for a new
part transplant
i am not sure if this is better, but since you asked
IRiz
Barbara Writes
Thu, 2018-02-22 14:33
Ok
I see your point about the heart. This actually work. I’ll put it with my Sunku collection. But, it actually changes the theme. Which is good but, is not where I was going. I'm trying to portray haiku inanimate essence more so than the senyru which is about me more so the the situation itself.
The car has been sitting in my yard for weeks getting jump to start the engine. I’m not driving it at moment. The Battery died during the snow a few weeks ago. Excitement is me finding out I don’t have to buy a new battery because this one is still under warranty of the car's original 36t mileage or 5 years which ever comes first. If that makes any sense. I guess I'm trying to create a writing style of poetry that only exist in eccentric world
With that said it seems your version turn the car into a feeling person. New concept to me. I’m going to try and write that way and see if I can.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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author commentIRiz
Thu, 2018-02-22 15:26
Dear Barbara,
Dear Barbara,
i understand your goal, but I could not deliver your message the way you did it.
but you called the car she! I assumed she is alive for you, at least you love her as a companion on your trips perhaps.
Refocusing from my feelings of the owner of the car towards her hopes to survive is part of zen aesthetics
for me my feelings of relief are less interesting than her hopes to survive.
You can post my version as a collaboration here if you would like you can add me as a co-author during the submission. But only if you want it and like it.
IRiz
Barbara Writes
Thu, 2018-02-22 15:53
Wow
You are good. I write it from my feeling of relief just as you said. Your version of hope to survive is thought provoking and brilliant. The car's hope to survive the snowy winter. If i had to give this sunku a title it would be survived the snowy winter.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
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