Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

a poem in which i ask for the things i do not have

Submitted by 19 on Wed, 2023-08-16 13:25

give me a memory in which your voice does not sound like receding footsteps / give me a memory in which my father does not chase me out of the house for daring to look him

straight in the eye / give me a truth that isn't bitter enough for me to spit out lies / give me a dream in which my brother isn't lying too still on the bed / give me enough

strength in these fingers to write a new world into existence / give me a starry night that doesn't end with me screaming myself awake / give me an early afternoon that doesn't

cause my eyes to bleed — everytime i look up to heaven with a prayer rising up my throat / give me an apology that doesn't cause me to choke on syllables / give me an

embrace that leaves enough space for me to feel my own body / give me a flower that won't die if i decide not to leave my bed for days / give me a life that doesn't end in me

being an unclaimed corpse / give me enough love for me to believe in love / give me a rainy day that stops the movement of the earth / what i mean is : give me a rainy day

that freezes time / give me a song that never stops playing / give me a thunderstorm that doesn't lead to whimpers & calls for a mother that never listens / give me a memory

that doesn't reopen old wounds / give me an iroko tree that allows my fingers to touch when i wrap myself around its trunk / give me a snowflake that doesn't melt in the end

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week August 13th to August 18th 2023.
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-08-16 19:30

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Your poem is a poignant expression of longing and desire for a different reality. The repetition of the phrase "give me" creates a sense of urgency and emphasizes the speaker's yearning for change. The use of vivid imagery, such as "receding footsteps," "bleeding eyes," and "unclaimed corpse," adds depth and emotional weight to the poem.

One suggestion for improvement would be to consider varying the structure and rhythm of the poem. Currently, the poem consists of a series of statements, each beginning with "give me." While this repetition can be effective in conveying the speaker's plea, it may also create a predictable pattern that could benefit from some variation. Experimenting with different line lengths, stanza breaks, or incorporating other poetic devices such as enjambment or internal rhyme could add more musicality and enhance the overall impact of the poem.

Additionally, consider exploring the theme of hope or resilience amidst the longing. While the poem effectively conveys a sense of yearning, it

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Thu, 2023-08-17 23:07

Lavender's picture
Volunteer badge

Hello, and welcome to Neopoet,
I've read your poem several times and each time I like it more. I like the lower case, and the enjambment, I like the forward slash / to separate those incredible, deep thoughts, I like the words and language used, and the emotion within them. A very stirring poem. I am truly touched.
Thank you,
Lavender

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.