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A Poem
not as much the words
but sound, mood, theme resonate
their poetic thought
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
mand
Sun, 2015-03-15 06:05
Hi Raj
Like this one! you have captured the true nature of poetry writing - it's clear and succinct - I don't think anyone will disagree!
Syllable count looks good and a pleasure to read. :)
Love Mand xxxx
raj
Sun, 2015-03-15 06:12
Hi Mand
Thanks
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Mon, 2015-03-16 02:06
nice one Raj
What do you think of replacing 'their' with 'but', and 'a' with 'to'...?
Just a suggestion
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Mon, 2015-03-16 11:29
Hi Judyanne
Thanks for the read. Actually I had contemplated on lines suggested by you and have now replaced "their" with but and "a" with "their". Does "their" communicate the expected meaning ?
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Mon, 2015-03-16 12:04
depends on what you are meaning raj
For me 'to' seems to say more
I cant explain why - it may be just the way I see it, but it changes the meaning very subtly
Read it a few times over, trying out both 'their' and 'to', and see if you can see what I mean ...
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Mon, 2015-03-16 12:08
Judyanne
I know what you mean. But I feel that in the absence of "their" somewhere, it would not connect "words" to "thought"...i hope you know what i mean.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Mon, 2015-03-16 15:43
great imagination
you link poetry with vibrations only
what of words
all seek
the same dictionary
raj sublime _ u b
wesley snow
Mon, 2015-03-16 16:28
I resonate with "to".
It not only broadens the comment, but it sounds better grammatically.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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raj
Mon, 2015-03-16 16:41
Lovedly & Wesley
Thanks for stopping by, your read and comments.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Sparrow
Mon, 2015-03-16 19:57
raj
A polished piece with the small changes that you accepted.
A great piece for today, take care,
Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
raj
Tue, 2015-03-17 01:36
Hi Ian
Thanks,
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Seren
Fri, 2016-03-11 06:13
Its all been said before me
Its all been said before me but this verges onto the profound
Beautifully done and oh it really is !! A poem ;)
Love and big hugs Jayne xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
raj
Fri, 2016-03-11 13:44
Thanks Jayne for stopping by
Thanks Jayne for stopping by and dropping an appreciative comment, means a lot...
Warm regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)