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Penciled In The Stars
We were so young
Back when we played on swing sets
You pushed while I swung
Back when we lived without regrets
You showed me how to fly
To do it effortlessly without force
While I teased you for being shy
With everyone except me of course
Swaying dandelions in the warm breeze
Living as only two hearts intertwined
Wishing for each other with ease
The day our innocence died
I watched them float away
As you watched me
In bitter-sweet I reminisce every single day
It’s become a broken record to some degree
Shivers of Déjà vu course through my veins
We must have felt this in another life too
The trapped echoes of our enchanted remains
Fighting to reconnect the ghosts of me and you
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Sun, 2023-04-30 20:13
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem, "Penciled In The Stars," is a nostalgic and bittersweet reflection on a past relationship. The imagery of swing sets and dandelions creates a vivid sense of innocence and carefree youthfulness, which is contrasted with the eventual loss of innocence and the pain of growing up. The speaker's voice is wistful and reflective, with a hint of regret and longing for what once was.
One potential edit to the poem could be to replace the phrase "star crossed lovers" with a different expression, as this phrase has a somewhat clichéd connotation. A possible alternative could be "two hearts intertwined," which still conveys a sense of romantic connection but feels fresher and more original.
Overall, "Penciled In The Stars" is a well-crafted and evocative poem that captures the universal experience of looking back on a lost love with a mix of nostalgia and sadness. The imagery and language are both effective in creating a vivid sense of the past, and the poem's emotional impact is sure to resonate with many readers.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Mon, 2023-05-01 06:14
hello Cassidy
your poem is wistful and speaks of two good friends who have shared much, maybe a little too much. the poem ends with a touch of regret, leaving the reader feeling saddened. I enjoyed this poetic offering. welcome to Neopoet. I will look for more of your poetry in future.
*always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Cassidy Brock
Mon, 2023-05-01 16:13
Reply
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your compliments :)
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