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Once, I Spied a Rainbow
Once, I spied a rainbow
from a field that had no name,
my smile was ever widened
and, I never felt the same.
My perception seemed to change
like a kid with a new, found toy;
although, I could not touch her hues
I still was filled with, joy!
I took her different colors
and fashioned some balloons,
then, carried them through life with me
until I heard the rainbow's tunes.
'Twas music I'd not heard, before
with lyrics strong, and pure;
with a melody so hauntingly,
beautiful; as if to lure.
I've hummed that tune for most my life.
Even memorized that song;
so, wherever I have travelled
I've always taken her....along.
My hair is turning, grayer
and, I sing not; well...alone;
maybe a duet could help
my heart not turn to stone.
It's happened not, so far....at least
although, I've tied the knot;
those times I tried to make it work
with everything I've got!
Those times were dank-in times of grey
and unfair, at their best!
I've had to stay at home because,
night's stars weren't fully dressed.
It might seem quite contrary
but, that rainbow from that field;
has always seemed to bring me luck
like a safety-net, or shield.
Now, I share that rainbow
from a time...so beautiful,
because, it's hues, and melodies
grants me, a life completely....full!
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words:
Whatever.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Region & Country
The High Desert, in the wild west, southern California, U.S. of A..
Favorite Poets
Keates, Poe, Dickinson, and Dr. Seuss. There are a smattering of others, but why bother listing 'em all, ya know?, I also rely on a few of our poets, here....for advice, and what not. I couldn't possibly explain what a fountain of live, effective knowledge we have...right here in our midst ! To catch a glimmer of brilliance, merely visit: the Stream.
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Comments
chumfin
Mon, 2012-12-31 06:25
coool
fantastic poem, i guess this is the first am reading from you. good work
docmaverick
Wed, 2013-01-02 06:06
I greatly appreciate....
...your taking the time to comment.
Sincerely,
doc.
Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2013-01-01 06:37
You've entered this in the now closed "More Meter" workshop.
And although I like the poem, the meter is all over the place.
Read it aloud, you will hear how the meter stumbles, and trust me on this ellipses (...) don't help.
It is a lot of work to parse a poem to point out every lapse in meter and I really don't have the energy tonight, but if you ask especially I will.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
docmaverick
Tue, 2013-02-05 11:29
Elf....
...l don't hear the rhythm, "all over the place", as you say. l've read this aloud, had it read aloud for me, and had someone else read it fr others, aloud. So, it must be your aussie accent, OR your belligerent disdain towards me. l really can't call it, but there is nothing wrong with the rhythm in this piece.
l am, however....very thankful for your guidance over the years,
sincerely,
doc.
Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==
author commentdocmaverick
Tue, 2013-02-05 16:05
Sorry, oh weird one....
...don't know if it's your aussie accent, or the rhythm in my head....but it reads just fine to me silently, to me aloud, to others as I read aloud, and to others when read by yet another, reading aloud...and none of us heard the glitch of which you speak!
It' very simple, elf; "ONCE i SPIED a RAINbow"-(DA-dee-DA-dee-DA-dee)
"from a FIELD that HAD no NAME"-(da-da-DEE-da-DEE-da-DEE)
"my SMILE was EVer WIDened"-(da-DEE-da-DEE-da-DEE-da)
"and l NEVer FELT the SAME"-(a-da-DEE-da-DEE-da-DEE)
How is it that you consider this, "....all over the place"?
Just wonderin'...doc.
Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2013-02-06 05:49
'belligerent disdain'?
I admit I have given you some extremely harsh critique over the years, but I have also always honoured your works that I felt were good. My most frequent complaint has been the use of the second person, resulting in a preachy tone. I would never have continued to read and critique your work if I felt 'belligerent disdain' towards you.
There was a pause after I read your first reply, wondering if I should reply at all, then, having decided to parse the metric for you, which is a chore, waiting till I felt like it. Thankfully you did it yourself. Yes, there is meter, just not consistent meter.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Nordic cloud
Sat, 2013-02-02 13:41
What a lovely conception,
What a lovely conception,
a rainbow carried in your mind
all your life, in the form of a song;
and i fell through it like falling through the sunlit clouds,
in the refracted rays
and smiled contentedly.
Love Ann of Norway
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
docmaverick
Tue, 2013-02-05 10:50
I sincerely thank you, dearest annie....
...I am soo very pleased this caught your eye, and found favor.
Thanx, for that;
doc.
Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==
author commentNordic cloud
Sat, 2013-02-09 13:41
Why all the commas?
Why all the commas?
They stunt the rhythm, as we hesitate where we don't need to at all-
"Once I spied a rainbow"
.."music I'd not heard before,
with lyrics strong and pure"
"a kid with a new found toy"
That was on coming back for another look
and doesn't detract from my comment above,
just found the placing of the commas odd.
How we all gasp at the rainbow, what a arc
of colours, enough to seduce our thoughts
away from this clod of earth.
Love Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Ian.T
Sun, 2013-02-10 03:22
Doc
This is a lovely piece it brings the child's vision into a life long comfort.
Maybe there are a few glitches in there, and the odd hundred Commas, but to me, as far as the theme goes, it is a good write.
This is one of your recent writes that I felt was new,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..