Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Midnight Pause
Fascinating is
that momentous turnstile pause
between fore and aft
We hope for the best
Yet must take that extra step
With vigor and zest
Life is a journey
Each day, week, month and year
Milestones to surmount
As part of a whole
Be it a friend or a foe
Trust in tomorrow
May Midnight Angels
Guard everyone from evils
For a welcome dawn
That moment between
The bygone and the new born
Is captivating
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
loved
Tue, 2013-12-31 15:56
just beautiful
but all journeys I call
sojourns
ask Ian
and
the midnight moment
glues 2013 and 2014
as time does glue
momentarily
just the two of you
loved
raj
Thu, 2014-01-02 14:46
Hi Loved...thanks for
Hi Loved...thanks for stopping by and your comment..
raj (sublime_ocean)
William Saint George
Tue, 2013-12-31 16:06
Dear Raj
"As part of a whole
Be it a friend or a foe
Trust in tomorrow"
I've increasingly begun to see tomorrow as a foe, and I don't trust her. At all.
In some way, this poem reads like an indirect response to mine you read earlier. I feel it speaking to me in a little way.
"We hope for the best
Yet must take that extra step
With vigor and zest"
I don't see the need for the "yet" in this stanza. There isn't anything contradictory in this stanza, so I think it should rather be an "and" or a "so". That reads better to me.
Sorry I'm being picky...
"Life is a journey
Each day, week, month and year
Milestones to surmount"
doesn't make a complete statement.
"Life is a journey;
Each day, week, month and year
Are milestones to surmount"
reads much better to me. But again, it's just me. I sometimes feel like poems shouldn't read like phrases - snippets of incomplete thought verse after verse. I feel they should read like full, complete sentences, but it depends on your style and aim for writing in a particular way.
Overall, this poem is really calming, reflecting my mood right now. But it comes with a lot of certainty too, which I like, although my current thoughts about certainty are rather doubtful.
Great poem Raj!
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
raj
Thu, 2014-01-02 14:17
Dear William
First of all, let me thank you sincerely for your time invested in reading my post and then sharing your thoughts. Such feed back is most welcome because when we write, we may not be able to anticipate how it would be perceived by the Reader/s, given the fact that, different individuals have different perception filters. Consequently, some may find it incoherent, some may not find it appealing while some would be able to connect with the idea/theme/essence.
Upon reading your comment, I do agree that some of the lines do not make a complete statement. This is because I have attempted to maintain a 5-7-5 vowel sequence like in a Haiku / Senryu. Forgive my ignorance but I am yet not sure if such submissions qualify as a Haiku or Senryu. If I am fortunate to receive more comments from other members, it would help me determine the consensus and be guided by it about editing this post. If you happen to pass by here again, you will find that the comment by Rula is quite the opposite. So, let's see how it goes.
To make you familiar with the theme or say essence of this post is that it was inspired on New Year's Eve when it is quite common for people to be in a contemplative mood while transitioning from the year bygone and ushering a new one. This write is a sort of reflection on that momentous pause at Midnight.
Please keep sharing your thoughts, comments and critique, which are truly welcome for an amateur like me...
Warm regards and thanks...
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Thu, 2014-01-02 12:36
Hello Raj
Really loved the simplicity of this poem. It easily reaches the reader. However, as you asked about the consistancy of the inner logic, I would have ordered the stanzas as follows if this was mine.
That moment between
The bygone and the new born
Is captivating (A closing stanza)
We hope for the best
Yet must take that extra step
With vigor and zest (No.1)
As part of a whole
Be it a friend or a foe
Trust in tomorrow (3)
Life is a journey
Each day, week, month and year
Milestones to surmount (No.2)
May Midnight Angels
Guard everyone from evils
For a welcome dawn (NO.4)
This is only a suggestion, I have already enjoyed your thoughts
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
raj
Thu, 2014-01-02 14:44
Dear Rula
Thanks for taking time to read through my post and make suggestions about re-orienting the sequence of the stanza. Upon objective evaluation of your suggestion, I was motivated to re-organize the sequence, as I have now done. However, I thought of adding one more stanza at the beginning. Let me know if it now makes more sense..
Warm regards and thanks for your suggestion
raj (sublime_ocean)