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Keyless Door (Feb Contest)
the door I entered from
and by which I'll eventually leave
is destiny,
in between, I live
verily
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Contest:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Rula
Tue, 2015-02-10 14:23
Raj
be couragous enough and enter February's contest.
This is beautifully succinct.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
raj
Tue, 2015-02-10 14:38
Rula
Thanks for your appreciative words. Contest? It's not a matter of courage like it is with the Sonnets :)
Not sure if this one fits into the norms set for the February contest. Yet, I will post it there too, no harm doing it..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Tue, 2015-02-10 21:27
Hi raj
This fits the requirements of the contest well and one thing the judge will likely appreciate is its brevity lol........Thanks for entering..stan
raj
Tue, 2015-02-10 22:45
Hi Stan
Thanks for the peek and your encouraging beep.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Tue, 2015-02-10 23:14
i think
you have laid all other doors bare
with or without keys
as destiny is the biggest door ever
open all over
you win the keys
so keep it
tis your destiny ..
hopefully Stan will influence the judge
may be
i stand no chance
before/in front of
thee
raj you have proved to sublime be
unlike me
raj
Tue, 2015-02-10 23:42
Hi Lovedly
Thanks for your kind words.
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
lovedly
Tue, 2015-02-10 23:52
you only thank me
but why do you
never teach me?
its cold here minus 30 may be
winds chilly
how is your
Juhu/Marine beach
mand
Wed, 2015-02-11 09:42
:)
Love this Raj - brief, succinct and concise. I hope all goes well in the contest. :)
Love Mand xxx
raj
Wed, 2015-02-11 12:59
Thanks Mandy
Good to know that it made you smile.
Much love...
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Wed, 2015-02-11 10:00
awesome write Raj
i love it
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Wed, 2015-02-11 13:00
Hi Judyanne
your comment is like tonic...many thanks ..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Wed, 2015-02-11 13:16
forgot- best of luck in the contest
One tiny suggestion
Tense - 'and would eventually leave' ... do you think 'will' fits better?
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Wed, 2015-02-11 13:29
Thanks Judyanne
for your good wishes. Hope lady luck looks at this poem :)
as for your suggestion, i was actually alternating between "will" and "would" and while reading aloud I thought would sounded better...so too i was alternating between juggling the words in the line "and would eventually leave" and "and would leave eventually" nut settled for the former...what do you think about that jugglery?
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Wed, 2015-02-11 13:55
for grammar
I think you need 'will'
As for the syntax -
'and will eventually leave' needs a 'by' or 'through'
'and which I will eventually leave by (through)
'and which I would leave by (through), eventually' - will need a comma
or - 'and by (through) which I will eventually leave'
'and by (through) which I'll leave, eventually'
I'm inclined to think the two second are better grammar - both ways sound fine to me, but I think, if it was me, I'd use the first, to avoid the necessary pause after the comma... to my ear it upsets the rhythm just a tiny tad
And I'd make 'I will' --- ' I'll' - for the rhythm...
'and by which I'll eventually leave'
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Wed, 2015-02-11 14:16
Judyanne
thanks for your time and suggestions,...you certainly got me thinking..will let the two options roll over my tongue for now...
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Thu, 2015-02-12 08:51
on retrospect
and reading again
i think i prefer
'and by which Í will leave, eventually'
it seems to my ear to fit the rhyme and rhythm the better
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Thu, 2015-02-12 12:59
Judyanne
I can't thank you enough for providing your valuable tips and suggestions like the one you have given now...
however, I would like this piece to be as brief as possible,,,so although I am accepting your suggestion to change "would" to "will" as valid and implementing it, i believe "by which"..is the implied meaning which need not be mentioned...that way it would keep the line shorter..isn't it so?
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
judyanne
Thu, 2015-02-12 12:59
if you have it as you want
it can sound as if you will leave the door - walk away from it - not necessarily pass through it again... just my interpretation
I wouldn't be worried about the length - it's only two more words
Put 'eventually' on a line of it's own if you like
'and by which I'll leave
eventually'
Just my opinion - but, it is your write, your decision
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
raj
Thu, 2015-02-12 13:07
Judyanne
hmmmmmm...i get your point now...it had not occurred to me that without adding "by which" it could be conceived as walking away from the door....so I have added those two words and instead of I will used I'll....makes sense now...
thanks big bunches xxxx.
raj (sublime_ocean)
Sparrow
Wed, 2015-02-11 18:39
raj
A simple shout that you are here and crafted well in so few words.
Great !!!!!!!
Yours Ian.
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti