Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Just walk away

Submitted by louiemary on Sat, 2012-05-19 20:43

When you see trouble
You better run in a double
So just walk away
There is no reason to stay
You are more of a man
Takes that kind of stand
Remember what I say
Just walk away
You don't have to be tough
You can say that's enough
You did the right thing
So that your soul can sing
Just remember to think
You don't have to have that drink

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

docmaverick

Sun, 2012-05-20 08:27

docmaverick's picture

...you have one major, "false rhyme", and that's "man"....and, "stand"...in your third couplet. Other than that, you have delivered a fine effort.
Sincerely,
docmaverick.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

louiemary

Sun, 2012-05-20 15:45

Thanks for your input!

author comment

Candlewitch

Sun, 2012-05-20 12:05

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

Good title it reflects the poem well. Suggestion:

In the last line: You don't have to have that drink
how about: You don't have to take that drink

Good subject matter!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

louiemary

Sun, 2012-05-20 15:46

Thanks for your input.

author comment

judyanne

Sun, 2012-05-20 13:17

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

the more I read this over the more i liked it.

just the beginning annoyed me a little
'When you see trouble
You better run in a double
So just walk away'
- the actual saying is ‘run on the double’, but that wasn’t the problem (imho i stress)
it sounded as a threat, and the rest of the write so gives for a care and love ‘please stay safe’ emotion.
how do you feel about making it more a plea?
‘When you see trouble
run on the double
walk away’

also just a few suggestions
‘There is no reason to stay ‘
I’d suggest
‘there’s no reason to stay’ – for rhythm

‘ Takes that kind of stand’
again for rhythm and saying it a little clearer maybe?
‘if you take that stand’

‘ So that your soul can sing’
I’d drop the ‘that’ – again for rhythm, and also 'that' is a word best avoided most times

I enjoyed this write
thank you for sharing it with me
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

louiemary

Sun, 2012-05-20 15:46

Thanks for your input.

author comment

temidayo

Sun, 2012-05-20 17:40

temidayo's picture

yes it sounds better as an overall message of plea,an attempt to dissuade a person from hurting others and ultimately hurting himself or vice versa. You have people like the wonderful judy giving you tips so you cant go wrong. Again Nice work

louiemary

Mon, 2012-05-21 04:28

Thanks!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.