Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
insentient
She didn't own a gun;
had never even pulled a trigger,
but this would be of little consequence
given the short range from the target.
A pattern sprayed across the wall
from the brush of a painter
gone lazy with achievement
casting the silhouette of a ghost
onto the hurried concrete
to be outlined with chalk
starting a game of hopscotch.
Passers-by tossing bits of skull
with fragments of hair
and brains still attached;
skipping and hopping with a skill
that says
we've done this before.
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
doomhead
Sun, 2014-02-09 22:48
I like your similes a lot
however I think they'd be stronger as metaphors.
for example:
"A pattern sprayed across the wall
from the invisible brush of a painter
gone lazy with achievement."
or
"to be outlined with chalk
a game of hopscotch."
....however that is just my opinion - that similes are often weak imitations of metaphors, that a metaphor extends it's meaning further into the image than a simile can.
I really enjoyed reading this however, and I'm only being as critical with your poems as I would with my own. you talk about a situation which very easily could have come across very cliche, yet you manage to explore the fragility of the situation. good on you : ) keep at it!
eightmenout
Mon, 2014-02-10 06:37
DH
Thanks for taking the time to stop by and review the poem. I have made edits accordingly.
Scott