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I Sing of Caramel Swift Electra !

Submitted by docmaverick on Tue, 2012-05-22 06:54

A decided hitch has come to fruition
sabotoging the glide in my stride,
Worcestershire nights, so cold and damp

the Northern Lights makes us want to go, hide;
there's truely magic in the air!
Better walk it off, before it starts to cramp!

Salty, lemon-jello moonbeams
illuminate my weary eyes,
but, a feather could've bent me off of my skid!

Worry not, because I kept my balance'
and joggered not, into my dawn's surprise!
Let's get closer, so we don't disrupt the grid.

Dandylion moth anntennae
drifting decidedly, North;
sketching etchings with a silence way too loud;

caramel swift ! and the quick leaves are way, too bold!
Under our skies-ambiguous cold,
our collective alibi's an unruly crowd!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Now, I'm "sinking" for the tersery, time !
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

IKnowNoBox

Tue, 2012-05-22 07:51

'sketching etchings with a silence way too loud;' what a gem of a verse too. Thank you Doc. Good to see you are still writing.

In ink,
David

docmaverick

Tue, 2012-05-22 10:10

docmaverick's picture

...I sincerely appreciate the "feedback"! This one was a bit of an "oddball"....but, it means something to me. It was about a "tryst" with a certain pair of identical twins.....and, how they were playing a "secret" game of fooling me! I could never quite correctly guess which one I was with. An example of my word, "scandalousity" at it's finest.
Thanx, again;
docmaverick.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

docmaverick

Tue, 2012-05-22 22:08

docmaverick's picture

...my title came in part, from the Twilight Zone episode called, "I sing the body, electric!"....where the family purchases a "nannie" that's a hybrid android, that remains the same age as the rest of the family aged..and met up with thier personal, resulting circumstances.

PLUS, I also thought of Ms. Carmen Electra.
eclectically,
docmaverick.

p.s.) It was really "nice" to share keyboard cadences with you, once again !

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

judyanne

Wed, 2012-05-23 06:42

judyanne's picture
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i don’t usually read others comments before making mine
but I had to this time as I really didn’t know what you were saying until i read your explanation to david
(hello david - nice to see you)
lol - i still don’t ‘get it’ – but that is probably me – lol – sometimes you are too ‘deep’ for me

my obtuseness doesn’t detract from interest in the write however…
I love the descriptive
‘Salty, lemon-jello moonbeams
illuminate my weary eyes’
and
‘Dandylion moth antennae’ – (typo ‘dandelion’)

and the alliteration
‘drifting decidedly, North’

and the internal rhyme
‘sketching etchings with a silence way too loud’

the ending gives a slight clue
‘ our collective alibi's an unruly crowd!’

my only real crit is the use of quotation marks and excessive punctuation with the exclamation marks – I really don’t think they are needed and they draw my attention from the text….

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

docmaverick

Wed, 2012-05-23 22:58

docmaverick's picture

...I THINK I fixed it. Thanx, for the encouragement.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment
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