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I lost a childhood dream

Submitted by Search on Tue, 2012-05-08 00:30

I’ve reached a time in my life where I need you most,
Because I have become mad,
Mad at a lot of things,
Mad at the world,
People,
Politics,
And lost in everything else,
Wouldn’t you be?
If you saw the death of something beautiful.
The death of a dream,
The absence of an array of colors,
The setting of a foreign sun,
Things I all wish to come back,
But I can’t have all that I wish for,
But right this second,
This moment,
This right now,
I can have you with me,
To tell me everything will be alright,
At least give me that,
Because I have lost a lot,
And no matter how hard I try,
I can’t go back in time,
I can’t bring back the dream I had,
So light this match with me,
And watch it burn,
As we walk through the street together.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-05-08 04:14

weirdelf's picture
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You are going to make a hypocrite of me. In the "Constructive Feedback" workshop I have been exhorting people to find something, anything, to offer to improve a poem, because they can't be perfect, can they?

But sometimes we just don't want to, we just want to revel, wallow, enjoy or otherwise feel the reality of the poetic expression.

This is just such a poem for me. Thankyou, it's what keeps me reading thousands of words of crap like a prospector in a worked out goldfield, looking for the shine.

The only critique I can possibly offer is the choice of the options "Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)" and "Please do not critique mechanics. The inconsistencies in style are intentional, or correcting them is not important to me." which I believe should not even exist on Neopoet.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

AmmaKonadu

Tue, 2012-05-08 05:36

AmmaKonadu's picture

I felt like you were telling something i feel so strong myself!!

And lost in everything else,
Wouldn’t you be?
If you saw the death of something beautiful.
The death of a dream,
The absence of an array of colors,
The setting of a foreign sun...

Because I have lost a lot,
And no matter how hard I try,
I can’t go back in time,
I can’t bring back the dream I had

I read this over again! Thanks.

I agree with weirdelf, i think you should just allow reviews to come as raw as possible. I don't think anyone will be disrespectful to the other. We are all here to have our works improved and to help others as well.

I loved this!!

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