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I Compare You

Submitted by William Saint George on Wed, 2012-02-22 17:33

I compare you to a mirror’s edge.
you are cunning, as you are cutting.
You are longing to distort my image.
When rough is what is in you,
Ah! The pain I cannot long contain.
When you are smooth and beguiling,
Glistening in the moon light, my soul,
My soul shall take heed of your reflection
And fly from your deceptive presence.

I shall compare you to a still water’s edge;
Like a pale reflection of the night sky,
You do not show your depth and power.

I approached you , innocent as a victim.
I stumbled, and fell into you. I drowned.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Written initially with archaisms, now translated into more normal speech. Roughly inspired by the Shakespeare Sonnet.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-02-23 00:04

weirdelf's picture
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You dost not show your depth and power. [dost] it is incongruous.

The rest is the best of love poems. I normally hate them but you achieved this magnificently.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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William Saint George

Fri, 2012-02-24 09:36

William Saint George's picture

Should've seen that naughty fellow hiding in there. Thanks.
That you like this poem means a lot to me Jess. :)

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Nordic cloud

Thu, 2012-02-23 12:24

Nordic cloud's picture

"You dost not show your depth and power......perhaps - you do not show....

You dost doesn't exist.

I approached you , innocent as a victim.
I stumbled, and fell. Into you I drowned." ....

I stumbled and fell into you. Drowned. If you like but the whole thing in one sentence, perhaps with a comma if you want to separate the drowned....
I stumbled and fell into you, drowned.

Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

William Saint George

Fri, 2012-02-24 09:38

William Saint George's picture

And very much appreciated.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
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