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Gettin' Older

Submitted by William Lynn on Thu, 2023-12-28 12:36

I can't see the things I use to see
My sense of touch is not that great,
The sounds of children's laughter
May go unheard or be too faint.

Decisions I use to make so quickly
Now I ponder most every task,
Questions go unanswered now
I may forget the questions asked.

Memories from many years ago
Seem they happened just last year,
To recall from just an hour passed
Leaves not a single thing that's clear.

The golden years perhaps not golden
Polished brass might have to do,
An ache or two expected now
A replaced joint, well maybe two.

When I awake I'll don my glasses
So I can see this bright new day,
The hearing aids will go on next
To hear what life has yet to say.

You'll hear no complaints from me
While I enjoy the sunset of my years,
Eighty years; just the beginning
I'll complain when ninety nears!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
12/23 Getting Older
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-12-28 18:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Gettin' Older" successfully captures the essence of aging and the changes it brings, both physically and mentally. The use of simple, relatable imagery helps to convey the experiences of the speaker in a manner that is easy to understand and empathize with.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The rhythm and meter of the poem seem inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. For instance, the second stanza has lines of varying lengths and syllable counts, which contrasts with the more regular rhythm of the first stanza. Striving for a more consistent meter could enhance the overall reading experience.

The poem could also benefit from more varied and creative language. While the simple language does make the poem accessible, it also has the potential to make it feel somewhat flat. By incorporating more figurative language, such as metaphors and similes, the poem could become more engaging and impactful.

Lastly, the poem's theme of aging is a common one, and the poem doesn't offer a unique perspective or fresh insights into this experience. To make the poem more memorable, consider exploring this theme from a less common angle or incorporating unexpected elements.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Sat, 2023-12-30 22:24

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Hello, Will,
"Polished brass might have to do..." Brought a big smile! I can relate to this theme, and definitely to your poem. A delightful title and final stanza that wrapped up the feeling of the poem. A smooth read.
Thank you!
L

William Lynn

Sat, 2023-12-30 22:31

William Lynn's picture

Hi Lavender.
Thanks for reading and for your comments.
Gettin' older does have its challenges but every day that I'm verticle is a good thing. I hope your new year is fantastic! Thanks again.

author comment

Lavender

Sat, 2023-12-30 22:35

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Thank you for your kind wishes, and the same to you and yours!
L

Leslie

Wed, 2024-03-06 06:09

Leslie's picture

This had a very fluid feel to it, but what I liked the most was the positive attitude expressed. I'm afraid that all to often
I come up on the short end of the stick. I thouroughly enjoyed and concur.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

William Lynn

Wed, 2024-03-06 13:34

William Lynn's picture

Hello Leslie.

Indeed, a positive attitude can be powerful but also equally hard to maintain at times.

I'm north of eighty and health wise doing amazingly well, perhaps because of my moderate daily intake of rum, but it's probably the lucky genes. I guess taking it a day at a time and gratitude might be the keys. Who knows?

Thanks for reading and commenting. Best wishes, Will

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-03-07 07:49

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I agree with the positive attitude about life and the process of growing older. I find it harder as the day progresses into night. but I am grateful that I am still here to enjoy my time with the three loves of my life; Music, Poetry and Steven! I cannot chose favorite lines because the whole poem resonates with me.

*hugs, Cat

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William Lynn

Fri, 2024-03-08 11:04

William Lynn's picture

Hello Cat.

I do believe you left out a fourth love, you furry friends. However, music, poetry, and Steven do probably rate in the "top three" even if the cats would probably protest being considered #4 on the list.

Thanks for reading and for your comment. - Will

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Candlewitch

Fri, 2024-03-08 11:19

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I consider Steven and the cats my family and my family is #1, lol! I have no family left maternal and Paternal. but the poets on Neopoet are family, too!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

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