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The Death of an Aussie farmer

Submitted by believe on Wed, 2012-05-02 05:34

He came from the place
where the mulga scrub
can dress his garden grand,
Where rivers full of bracken dust
Sleep in this ravaged land

Where shade is sparse and precious held
By the bush men far out west,
And waters sort like gold below
In the land he thought was blessed,

He didn’t want to leave his wife
twelve years of arrant dry,
The swirling dust the song it sang
words hopeless in the sky,

his cattle gone and crops to seed,
the Bank was at his door,
his life insurance papers
his makers only flaw.

A lonely boundary rider,
found him in the haze,
blackened by the searing sun
forgotten by the shade,

They found a note tied to his hat.
“a hole I dug so deep
my fingers blood my spirit spent
its here that I must sleep” .

They say he wandered out to far
to make his deathly bed,
whatever called him he must know
In the bush they call the red,

now he sleeps a cooler place
the mulga scrub his grave;
and lie in silent disenchant
to wait the blessed rain .

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Many farmers committed suicide in the big drought in Australia, sometimes 7 to 10 years without decent rain
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-05-02 07:36

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but for starters spell Aussie right in the title.

I love the poem and it speaks for too many unspoken, as such it stands as important poetry.

For the rest I can only give you some corrections-
where the mullger scrub [mulga]

Sleep in this raved land [raved? you mean raven?]

Were shade is sparse and precious held [where]

12 years of arrant dry, [twelve, never use numbers when you can use words]

there is more but if you read it carefully yourself you should see the mistakes.

I do applaud this poem, I criticize it out of respect.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

believe

Wed, 2012-05-02 07:57

believe's picture

bad proof reading....embarrassing,...... think I may keep them for private reading
Thanks Jess

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weirdelf

Wed, 2012-05-02 08:38

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Your poem was important in content and meaning and the whole purpose of Neopoet is to give feedback to help each other improve our craft. It is not a publishing site, it is a workshop.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

believe

Wed, 2012-05-16 08:38

believe's picture

Thanks Jess

author comment

scribbler

Wed, 2012-05-02 11:25

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During the worst of the drought here in South Carolina I don't think it got as bad as that one down under. But at its height the discriptions you give could have well been of here. That second stanza is really good. There are some spelling errors but you can easily correct them. I Do wonder why you dropped the rhyme scheme in stanzas 4 and 5. I think the drop in final stanza emphasizes the finality. Keep ' em coming. Or in paraphrase "damn the typos, full speed ahead!" lol...........stan

believe

Wed, 2012-05-02 18:29

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Thanks Stan

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judyanne

Wed, 2012-05-02 11:45

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great descriptive
'He came from the place
where the mulga scrub
can dress his garden grand,
Where rivers full of bracken dust
Sleep in this ravaged land'
and
'A lonely boundary rider,
found him in the haze,
blackened by the searing sun
forgotten by the shade'

but lol - you're gone and done it again with 'n
- why not use the whole word?
'his cattle gone n’ crops to seed'

just love
'now he sleeps a cooler place
the mulga scrub his grave;
to wait in silent disenchant
to hear the blessed rain '

but can i suggest a slight change?
'now he sleeps a cooler place
the mulga scrub his grave;
to lie in silent disenchant
and wait the blessed rain '

you are a real poet you know
wonderful with descriptive even in narrative
of course - i might be biased - i'm a real bush ballad fan

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

believe

Wed, 2012-05-02 18:25

believe's picture

Thanks again Judy
Yeh
to hear'
to wait...repeat , My last line
your suggestion is much better, although Im not too happy with the " and" in "and wait"
last line you suggest.!? let me think?
and
I thought the "n' " worked better than "and" see what I mean! thats a no,no, in poetry I use ofter,
and I didnt know it !
I will comply'
Thanks again Judy for your help, and nice comments

author comment

believe

Thu, 2012-05-03 01:30

believe's picture

I am encouraged by your letter Lonnie !
Ill keep posting them, if you guys keep correcting the grammar ..Lol.....Thanks

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-05-17 03:38

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to talk of this piece.
It paints a lovely picture of what happens in many countries and to many people, I loved the story.
It flowed quite well but just keep an ear on that, read it out.
One thing on two lines you start with "AND" there are many ways of removing this word as it is not for starting it is a joining word or so I was told back when memories were made lol.
AND you keep on writing your works are grand and with Weirdelf etc: helping the poetic forms can be sorted with little problem, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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