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Dance in the Twilights

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Fri, 2014-04-04 02:25

Time between daylight and darkness,
I danced in the wind as a child.
searched the heavens for a sign of heavenly light.

Sandnadoes spun in the yard after sun set.
mad dashes, laughter, playtime before
darkness covers the land.

A brush with death ever so often
thunder and lightening struck the dust.
spring showers washed away pollen and dust from the air.

Come inside before its dark, settle down,
take your rest before the dawn, mother would cry out.
dance in the twilight before sun rise
school buses rolling, picking up sleepy children.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Fri, 2014-04-04 03:40

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This was beautiful in its short way, I would have loved it to be expanded a little, maybe a couple of added stanzas.
There is so much excitement hiding there it needs to come out to play, still loved it, Yours Ian.T

I see a child twirling with her minds eye
Dancing in the twilights glow,
Recalling feelings of the Spirit from her roots
There they are so precious to the young
It is a shame that we have to leave these things,
hidden deep inside least someone tries to hurt them.
Go well young lady..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Barbara Writes

Fri, 2014-04-04 09:52

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I think I could draw up more for tis one.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Barbara Writes

Fri, 2014-04-04 09:52

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I think I could draw up more for tis one.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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emeka ozurumba

Fri, 2014-04-04 10:28

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i think Ian was right perhaps a hasty end, but the word sandnadoes catches my eye like sand in my dune for loving poetry

Barbara Writes

Wed, 2014-04-09 17:34

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Thanks. I agree I hope to add a little more

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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raj

Thu, 2014-04-10 01:48

This poem is a wonderful reminisce of younger days. I agree with Ian about expanding on this short poem to capture those exciting childhood years. Thanks for posting this one.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Barbara Writes

Thu, 2014-04-10 10:41

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Thanks raj I plan add some more tidbits

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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