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Dad
Too much feeling
I devised distractions.
To filter out the pain..
When you came home
The key in the lock
Made me hold my breath
I hit the dimmer switch
And you were gone,
But not for long.
So agressive , so strong
size imposing,
choking the life out of mum
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Comments
scribbler
Sun, 2011-01-02 18:06
much
We all try to override the ugly parts of reality. I know I try wear sun glasses when I look in the mirror lol...............scribbler
lou
Mon, 2011-01-03 12:40
HI
Thank you
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Hooded Stranger
Mon, 2011-01-03 19:25
Lou
Lou,
not sure if this write of yours was from experience or not, whatever, it has a strong theme - well delivered.
The structure and meter was spot on, except for stanza 1. To keep it is the same flow as the rest of the poem I would suggest editing the first stanza a little. An example:
Too much feeling
So I devised distractions.
To filter out the pain..
Depends on how important it is to have the 'kid' reference in that stanza.
Strong stuff my dear friend,
Enjoyed it, if you can enjoy this subject matter!
regards,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
lou
Mon, 2011-01-03 23:06
HS
I wanted the kid reference because i wanted to illustrate how defences can be built up, but I can see your point.
It was written from experience, my father was an extremely violent man.
Im glad it was effective, I wasn't sure about this one.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
mand
Mon, 2011-01-03 19:36
Hi Lou
I hope this isn't something you and your mum had to go through - So sad, filled with raw pain, emotionally and physically.
Thank you for sharing Lou.
Love to you
Mand xxxxxx
lou
Mon, 2011-01-03 23:11
Hi Mand
Unfortunatlely we did experience this, but he has been gone a long time.
Glad that you enjoyed it.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!