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Dactyl Example (Wes's Meter WS)
Dark is the/ night when the/ bombs are re/leased from the/ enemies'/planes in the/ sky
Grip of des/pair in the/ hearts of de/feated guards/ growing in/ might as their/ families/ die
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
Rula
Mon, 2017-05-08 02:14
Salam Khalid
have you tried to read this aloud and to put the stress where it should naturally be?
I have problems in more than one place.
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alidzain
Mon, 2017-05-08 03:46
Salam, Rula
Maybe you can show me the mistakes and offer some suggestions to help me with the choice of words. Can the "unstressed" words be substituted with"lesser stressed" words? I'm quite lost on how to edit this.
Alid
alidzain
Mon, 2017-05-08 05:04
Salam, Rula
I've done some tweaking but still need help. What do you think?
Alid
Rula
Tue, 2017-05-09 01:34
Khalid
the first line is fine I think.
as for the second line, I read like:
GRIP of des/PAIR in the/ HEARTS of de/FEATed MEN/ GROWing in/ MIGHT as their/ FAMilies/ DIE
I'd replace the "men" with "Guards" as you'd then have a weaker stress on guards
"guard GROW ing"
Let's see what the masters might say.
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alidzain
Tue, 2017-05-09 01:36
Salam, Rula
Thank you very much.
Alid
alidzain
Tue, 2017-05-09 17:45
Mark
Not as smooth as you think. I managed to get it right only after the 3rd edit.Tough, but I'm glad I did it.
Alid
alidzain
Tue, 2017-05-09 17:46
Thanks, Jerry
I t has been a trial but I managed to do it right.
Alid
wesley snow
Tue, 2017-05-09 15:36
I also saw no problems.
"men" did not stress to me.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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alidzain
Tue, 2017-05-09 17:47
Wes
that's very good to know.
Alid
wesley snow
Fri, 2017-05-12 12:40
Geez,
but your subject matters are violent and depressing. Nothing wrong with that, just an observation.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
alidzain
Fri, 2017-05-12 17:47
I know, Wes
That is why I'm trying to post 2 more to balance it but just too busy at the moment.
Alid
weirdelf
Mon, 2017-07-03 06:34
I didn't read it naturally but stressed the stresses
Here's how it sounds in my Aussie accent.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1I6dHZcLag5
cheers,
Jess
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