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BLOOD VAMPIRE

Submitted by Jokerface82 on Sun, 2024-03-31 18:57

Rising from the abyss raven blackness
Mist caressing following the undead.
blood thirsty for bags of dark blood.
and to feast the fist shaped life pump.
Raining

down essence of once human existence.
succulent juice Falling from the chin and
pale,

Soaked wet lips. Drinking sucking from
a scarlet stream digging in two pointed
Canines clamping on the jugular vein.

Dripping sinking pointed ruby fangs, a deep
hue like Burgundy Wine. The Hemoglobin
vital treasure a life giving red river.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 03/31/24 to 04/06/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Mon, 2024-04-01 01:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "Blood Vampire," utilizes vivid and intense imagery to depict the classic vampire narrative. The use of descriptive language, such as "abyss raven blackness," "bags of dark blood," and "fist shaped life pump," creates a dark and eerie atmosphere that is fitting for the subject matter.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. The lines vary greatly in length and rhythm, which can disrupt the flow and make the poem feel disjointed. Consider revising the poem to establish a more consistent meter.

The poem also tends to tell rather than show. For example, "blood thirsty for bags of dark blood" directly tells the reader what the vampire wants, rather than showing this through action or description. Try to show the vampire's thirst for blood through its actions or the reactions of its victims.

The use of scientific terms like "hemoglobin" and "jugular vein" can feel out of place in the otherwise gothic and atmospheric poem. Consider replacing these with more descriptive or metaphorical language to maintain the tone and style of the poem.

Finally, the punctuation and capitalization in the poem are inconsistent. Some lines begin with a capital letter, while others do not, and some lines end with a period, while others do not. This can be confusing for the reader and disrupt the flow of the poem. Consider revising the poem to ensure consistent punctuation and capitalization.

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