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BIRTHDAY

Submitted by Simon on Tue, 2018-03-20 06:00

The skies are blue
when the sun descends,
the trees are green
and the birds dwell.
all plants smile gladly
when the breeze visits,
for its a joyful day
a call for a feast.

An hour of conceiving is blessed,
the day of birth is marked.
Amongst your mates just smile,
with your siblings give a smile.
When friends and loved ones
celebrates you.
For parents and members
are bold and proud.

The date is a cardinal
after and before another,
the day of the first step
is the happy one.
The birth is a happy day.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Sat, 2018-04-21 19:30

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

of 940 million kilometre journey at speeds of over 108,000kmh around the sun every year but poets are prone to falling off the planet

No worries, brother, we are here to throw you a rope to pull you back to Earth, if you want to [smiles].

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Simon

Tue, 2018-04-24 08:59

Simon's picture

for your comment and support.
i'd rather learn how to fish than to beg for fish.

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